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Change to Live Part 3

Chapter 1

The good news as far as things went was that Sarah / Anja gave birth to a beautiful daughter that we named Agnetha. The not so good news was that I was discovered again, although Anja was fortunately not. So it was that I ended up in Bremen as Hans. Clearly the mob was intent on getting me, for now my family was safe but for how long. I really needed to disappear, permanently!

It was on one of our all too infrequent meetings that Anja came up with the idea. She pointed out that despite the subtle changes in my appearance, I didn't look too different to the Home Counties hack that was responsible for all this. What we needed was a leap to a new identity.

"Do you remember a couple of years before all this started, that prank we used to pull with Maddie?

"Sure, I don't think any one ever caught on"


"Are you suggesting what I think you are suggesting?"

"I know its not ideal but with some professional help I reckon we could do it"

"You mean go the whole nine yards?"

"No, I still want your bits but if you became Maddie full time, I could put up with everyone thinking I was lesbian."

"I'm not sure I could"

"Look, at the end of the day how many more times are we going to have to move and change identities. Two, three, four? We've got Aggie to think of now, a couple of years time and she'll be in school, do we want all that upheaval for her or would you prefer an unusual but stable life. I bet we could even live together."

Sarah sure knew how to lay it on me. Truth be known I was fast approaching meltdown with the tension of always being on guard. The idea certainly had its merits, my male persona could officially be killed off and the female me would not even be looked for, as I would cease to be as far as the mob was concerned. However I can't say that I really fancied living out the rest of my life in skirts.

"Ok supposing I agree and we go down this track, are you really saying you would stick by me, tits and all?"

"Look at me dimwit. I'm still here aren't I, you nearly get me killed, i've been mutilated, and I have given birth to our child. Of course I'm gonna stick with you, I love you and I know that you love both of us."

"But things will be different"

"Sure, but inside you'll still be the guy I love and with the same equipment!"

"Let me think about it"

"Don't take long"

"Look I said I would think about it didn't I?"

"I know but I'd rather this than lose you."

I broke down then and soon we had to go our separate ways for another couple of weeks.

Chapter 2

Well I did think about it, the merits were clear, advantages in every quarter, so I arranged to meet my co ordinator. To save your boredom she thought it a brilliant idea and promised to look into the how's and what's needed to accomplish the plan.

It didn't take long for the authorities to agree to the idea, they would do everything needed to turn Hans into Maddie, Hans would meet an untimely end, his identity would be leaked in the right places and hopefully a final relocation would end the whole unhappy affair.

At our next meeting, I gave Anja the bare bones, we rented a motel room and Sarah said her farewells to Mark, next time we met I would be Maddie.

I had met with the doctors and they told me the surgical plan. As a stopgap I would get breast implants but later I would develop my own breasts. My equipment would stay largely intact however the only way to make me convincing in the long run was castration. They took and froze a good supply of my sperm in case we wanted more children. I would have extensive facial modifications, and I would gain a pseudo female opening, inside which I could hide my manhood.

The date was set and the old Mark, Pete, Patrick and Hans left this mortal coil. In his place a couple of weeks later awoke Madeline. It's fair to say that I didn't recognise myself when I first caught a glimpse of the new me. They had really gone to town, my Adam's apple was gone, my nose was smaller, my cheekbones more prominent with the help of material removed from my brows. I looked so unlike the old me, I doubted that anyone could ever associate the two personas. I now sported 'B' cup breasts, and what to me looked like the rest of the gear below too. The nurse assured me and eventually had to show me that my member was still there and I could still get a stiffy!

The bad news was that I would have to stay out of site for a while longer before even Sarah got to meet me. I spent the time being taught by a specialist how to talk, walk and act like the natural born women I would officially be. As I would officially be Dutch I would have full paperwork, birth certificate, school certificates degree (all equivalents to those I had in my own name) with the name of Madeline van de Hoondyk on them. Any checks made would only get that name.

I even had a family, now deceased (convenient!) parents and a sister, when I met this person she convinced me that we were related! I had to learn a whole new personal history, but being a journo by trade helped and by the time I was due for release into society I had myself just about convinced I was Ms van de Hoondyk.

I hadn't seen Sarah or my daughter for weeks now, this was part of the cover plan but it still hurt to miss Agnetha growing up. However our advisors suggested a softly softly approach whereby I spent a further couple of months adjusting to being Maddie before 'meeting' Sarah and her daughter. It was agreed that little Aggie would never find out that I was her father - at least until she reached adulthood, there was less chance of a slip up that way.

Chapter 3

Until now I had not been out on my own as a woman. I knew that I looked the part, sounded the part and it was unlikely that anyone would pick me out. However I still felt really nervous as I caught the train that would take me to my new home near Bonn. I now had to put into action all that I had been learning for the last several weeks.

My accommodation was a furnished apartment, two bedrooms, kitchen, bathroom and lounge with a balcony. It was in a quiet suburb, most of the other residents in the block were older couples with only a few younger singles and one single parent household. Nothing exceptional and I should fit in pretty well. The last couple of years had my A level German a bit more polished to a believable level, my biggest problem was getting used to referring to me as female!

I had an allowance that would cover my rent and immediate needs so a job wasn't a desperate requirement. I did however feel that the sooner I got a job, the sooner I would be independent with friends and no question marks over income.

So it was that I set about getting some gainful employ as a woman. I knew that I could get some pretty menial work quite easily but I decided to aim a bit higher and so applied to the university, I had nothing to lose.

Well I have to say that things didn't go quite the way I had expected. I really thought that I would try to get a secretarial job, after all I could type and had good shorthand skills and there were several vacancies. I was really disappointed when just a couple of days later I got a rejection letter. However I had barely taken that news in when a knock on the apartment door sounded. I answered the door and a pleasant looking young woman stood outside and after confirming that I was indeed Miss van de Hoondyk, handed me a letter. She left straight off leaving me a little bemused.

The letter bore the university identification the same as my rejection letter but its contents were much different. It was from the director of the School of Humanities, a Gretel Dorfhaus.

"Dear Madeline

I hope that you are well and not too disheartened by not
gaining one of the secretarial posts. I, am afraid, was largely
responsible for which I must apologise. However I did have
an ulterior motive.

After reading your resume and checking your
qualifications, I couldn't believe that you were applying for a
secretarial post. My motives are quite selfish, I would like to
offer you the part time post of Course Co-ordinator,
Humanities, which would then allow you to enrol for a PhD
course which I am teaching.

Please consider this as a sincere offer, contact me at your
convenience to arrange a meeting / interview."

The pay scale looked good and the whole proposition was quite interesting, so I forgave Dr Dorfhaus for the rejection and phoned to arrange the meeting. In truth I had always regretted not having the finances to continue my education past the degree and this looked like a great opportunity.

Gretel Dorfhaus was a small, neat woman who liked to get her own way. We met, not in her office but in one of the campus coffee bars. I liked her straight off. Sensing my nervousness she quickly attempted to put me at ease, it didn't work but at least she tried.

She quickly explained what she had in mind, I would be the students contact with the university administration, responsible for making sure the students received everything they needed as well as chivvying those same students into handing work in!

In return for this 20 hour a week job (I would have secretarial help) I would get to take part in the PhD programme at no cost to me for tuition. This 'part time' study plan would be a first at the university and Dr Dorfhaus had a vested interest in making it work. I even got to pick the discipline area to study within; it looked like a win, win situation. I would start as co-ordinator this semester then after the summer recess I would start the PhD.

So it was that only three weeks into my independent life I had secured employment and a place in a post graduate programme. I was quite elated and couldn't wait to tell the love of my life. That was going to have to wait, I had no way to contact Sarah and although she did know I was ok, she had no clue as to where I was either. However the controlling powers were pleased with these new developments and started things rolling toward our reconciliation.

Chapter 4

It was toward the end of the semester; I had been working at the university for a little over a month when the final leg started. I had made several girlfriends and even several male friends, although I made sure none of the latter got the wrong idea. The good Dr made sure that my integration into the university 'family' went smoothly and although I was getting a bit frustrated at not seeing my family, things really were looking good.

The last few weeks are when prospective students come to look around, the same everywhere. That's when I saw a vaguely familiar face on campus. I got closer and realised that it was indeed my Sarah and alternating between toddling and being carried was my daughter.

I resisted the temptation to run up and hug them, instead I decided on a more subtle approach.

"Such a pretty child, she is yours?"

"Yes, this is Aggie"

My daughter gurgled happily

"You are coming here to study?"

"I think so, I have had good recommendations and the facilities are very good"

"What will you study?"

"I have a reserved place on the Human Environments course."

"In that case we will be seeing each other quite often, I will be your co-ordinator"

"I'm Anja Smit"

"Madeline van de Hoondyk"

Sarah's eyes nearly popped out of her head.

"Er would you like to go for coffee"

I was tying up now.

"Yes I think that would be good"

If my Sarah couldn't recognise me at a couple of feet then I knew only a deliberate betrayal could put me at risk again and I didn't think that likely. Sarah hadn't even been shown a picture of the new me so she was not expecting what she found that day in Bonn.

To cut to the chase so to speak, Anja / Sarah moved to Bonn over the summer ready to start her course and we got to know each other again. We kept things on a friendship level at first, and then as things moved along, our previous attendance of the same college provided ample cover for our closer friendship.

Our daughter accepted me as Auntie Maddie, then just Maddie and at the end of the autumn semester they moved into my apartment. Although I was now more woman than man, I could and did still get erectile and for the most part Sarah seemed happy, but I found it increasingly frustrating.

Although we didn't make out in public, our friends knew we were a couple, a lesbian couple, something I would never have foreseen.

It was into the spring semester that Sarah sprung it on me.

"Maddie we must talk"

"Sure what about"

"Us. You. Well your happiness"

"What do you mean?"

I had quickly taken a defensive posture

"We both know that you're not happy. Oh I know you enjoy your work, you dote on our daughter and you couldn't treat me better. But deep down I know you are frustrated. And I feel it's my fault. You are all female but for one bit and thats there for my benefit, not yours. You could live better without it but you are too caring to even mention it."


She cut me off.

"Look, we have your sperm and I have to admit that while it was fun to start with, hetero sex with you looking like that is starting to get to me. It acts as a reminder of the old days. What I'm really saying is that if you really want to, I won't be upset if you felt that losing that last reminder was what you needed. Ill always stick with you."

I was gob smacked, here was my girlfriend all but telling me she would prefer if I was all woman! I had to admit that I had thought of a similar scenario several times but I didn't want to hurt Sarah. Now Sarah herself was telling me to get on with it.

"Are you sure?"

"Course I am. Look as a full woman we can still have sex, but just a little different. If I or even you want penetration there are things called dildoes you know!"

"I really don't deserve you"

"I know, but I'm here and our daughter is asleep next door. How many lesbians can both claim to be the parents of a child in their care?"

This time though we would be in control. I organised the final surgery, got a loan to pay for it and then had to wait impatiently for the fateful day.

This is really where we came in, I awoke after the surgery completely disorientated. I checked my body over, face, hair, breasts, smooth skin and a moist slit between my legs. Nothing amiss. I couldn't wait to get home to my girlfriend and daughter.

Maddy Bell 22.08.02 © 2002

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