Whatever Next?

by Angharad ap Gwilym

(A Gaby fanfic based upon the characters created by Maddy Bell)

Part 5

Drew's heart was beating rapidly as he stealthily crept out of the drive and down the road. To his surprise, no one seemed to have seen him and moments later he mounted his trusty steed, clipped into the pedals and went off at a brisk pace, putting as many yards as he could between himself and the house, before they found Maddy in her closet.

Where would Meadows be? If he'd known that he could have saved himself trouble and called the cops. His dilemma was, within the hour the police would be looking for him, so he couldn't just cruise about the place waiting for the showdown. He decided he might just as well do a training run, so that's what he did.

He'd left his phone behind deliberately, so his family couldn't call him. He'd also thought it better just in case he did meet Meadows and lost his nerve. This way was better; it was just the uncertainty that worried him.

Each car that came close sent his heart rate soaring and he was having difficulty doing his usual pace, in fact, he was struggling. He stopped near the Cuckney road and sat on a grassy bank while he drank from his water bottle.

Second and third thoughts were beginning to assail him and he began to realise he might have made things worse by worrying his parents and alienating his one true ally, Maddy. She would be mega pissed with him. The tears began to flow again and that upset him, more so when he realised he didn't have any tissues in his little bag.

His eyes were all blurry so he didn't see the figure on a bicycle approaching. He felt totally wretched and couldn't stop the tears. The figure came closer and stopped, he heard the brakes squeak a little and looked up, the figure who walked towards him he couldn't see clearly, but he could make out the colours of the skins. It could only be one person; he swallowed hard and felt even worse.

“Mind if I sit with you?” said the voice. He shook his head, unable to reply verbally.

“Think it's going to rain?” the voice asked him.

He shrugged his shoulders.

“Want a hug?” the voice asked him and he nodded. They moved closer together. He felt the warmth of the other body and smelt the familiar perfume. He felt strong arms engulf him and he cried and cried, feeling sadness and shame. “It's okay my baby, it's okay,” said the voice as arms rubbed his back comforting him.

“I'm sorry,” he eventually managed to blurt out in between sobs.

“That's okay Gaby, you're safe, that's the main thing. We all love you so much.”

“I'm sorry,” said Drew and sobbed pitifully.

“Everything all right?” called a male voice from nearby.

“Yes it's fine thank you, my daughter fell off and she's upset about it. We'll be fine thanks.”

“If you're sure?” called back the voice.

“Really, I am,” said Jenny and the man left.

“I(sob) feel really (sob) stu(hic)pid,” said Drew as tears flowed down his face.

“It's okay,” comforted his mother.

“I've made you miss (sniff) your (sob) plane. I'm.so (sob) sorry, (sniff).”

“It's okay, I cancelled my flight before you left.”

“W(hic)hy?” asked Drew his head buried in his mother's arms.

“The row with your father at lunchtime, made me feel that I was wrong. I'm thinking of resigning from the team.”

“You (sniff) can't (hic) (sniff) do that.”

“Why not?”

“You're (sniff) the world (sniff) champ(hic)ion (sniff) that's wh(hic)y.”

“And that bothers you?”

“Y(hic)es,”

“So you would put self achievement before your children?”

“I (hic) don't (sniff)think I can have (sniff) any.”

“Oh Gaby, why ever do you think that?” the hug squeezed him tighter.

“I don't (sniff) think I can.”

“You must have a reason for saying so, my darling.”

“I don't (sniff) (shudder) think my (sniff) boy bits (sniff) work too well.” He paused to blow his nose in the tissue Jenny offered him. “Thank y(hic)ou.” He paused again and wiped his eyes, “ ‘n' I can't have any (sniff) as a girl.”

“Oh you poor soul,” said Jenny and squeezed him tight again.

They sat quietly for several minutes before Drew said, “Shall we go home?”

“Do you feel up to it?”

“Yeah, I'll make it.”

Jenny followed him protectively all the way back to the Peter's house. As they stowed their bikes in the large garage, she said to him, “We need to sort some things out, don't we?”

He nodded and tried to keep back the tears. She put an arm around his shoulder and they went into the house.

Dave rushed to embrace him, “Please Gabs, never do that again. Please tell us and we'll talk it through. Agreed?”

Drew nodded and his father hugged him like it was going out of style. Juliette stood behind him and almost snatched him from their father, engulfing him in a hug that Maddy would have envied. “Don't run off again Sis, okay?”

He nodded and she finally let him go.

“Gaby, your ….Dave and I are going to make a pot of tea and then we're going to sit down and sort this out, okay?”

Drew nodded.

“If you want to pop up to the bathroom and have a little wash and change, don't take too long.”

He nodded and went up the stairs. The Peters and his grandmother were noticeable by their absence. They had obviously gone out, presumably to let the Bonds sort this mess out. He stripped off and washed, making sure all the streaked make up had gone. Then once in Maddy's bedroom, he looked at the clothes he had available.

He thought about what he should wear, but making a statement wouldn't actually help and might inflame things with his ‘rents. He slipped on a bra and panties, followed by a tee shirt and shorts. He combed his hair back into a proper ponytail with a red scrunchie, slipped into some sandals and before leaving the room, squirted some of the scent his father had given him, around his neck.

As he walked down the stairs, the voices quietened and he felt nervous enough for his hand to shake as he gripped the banister rail. This was not going to be much fun.

“Tea?” asked Dave, pouring him a cup. Jenny appeared a moment later having changed into a pair of white jeans and top.

“I like the top, Mum,” said Drew, realising that he'd never seen it before.

“Thank you Gaby, it's one I got in Belgium. See Dave, my children notice what I'm wearing, even if you don't,” she chuckled as she said it.

“So I'm in the dog house again, what's new? It's alright for you girls to notice clothes, remember I'm supposed to be a red blooded male thinking about what's underneath them.” He blushed as he suddenly thought about how that could sound to Drew/Gaby. However, Drew either didn't hear it or feel it was an issue.

They all seated themselves around the table; Jules sat next to Drew grabbing his hand as she settled into her seat. She held onto it squeezing it gently as a sign of support. He squeezed back gently to acknowledge his understanding.

Jenny and Dave seated themselves either side of the teens. Nothing was said for a few minutes as everyone relaxed and drank their tea, Drew having to cope with his left hand, his right still held by Jules.

Dave finished his tea and placing his mug down, began, ”Nothing that is said here today goes beyond this family or this room, understood?” They all indicated their agreement.

“I'll start, shall I?” said Dave, doing his 'head of the household' bit. “Gaby, we all love you to bits and we want to help you deal with what must be a very difficult situation. It's been fraught for us all at times, what with that lunatic after you and possibly being responsible for setting fire to our house, it's all got a bit much for everyone. Despite that, you and Jules are our priorities and your mother and I agreed we needed to involve you both in making whatever decisions as a family, we have to.”

He looked up and saw Jenny nodding in agreement and the two children looking astonished. “You two have a problem with that?”

“No,” said Jules, “It's like, different like, that's all.” She spluttered into silence grasping Drew's hand tighter.

“We've always involved you in making major decisions, at least ever since you were old enough to hold an opinion.” Dave felt a little indignation rising within him, this wasn't going to be easy as it was, all he needed was Jules playing up.

“Let's not get sidetracked with historical detail,” offered Jenny as peacemaker, “Can we concentrate on more immediate issues?”

Dave nodded in relief and Jules eventually grunted, “Okay,” realising she had lost the moment to protest.

“I think the issues are helping Gaby deal with who she feels she needs to be, helping her achieve that need and supporting her in the wider context, such as school and social aspects.” Jenny looked around at the faces of her family. Dave was agreeing absolutely, Jules was looking at Drew supportively and Drew was looking at the table, blushing and with tears rolling down his cheeks.

Jenny continued intending to give Drew time to recover, “There is the added difficulty of keeping you safe from that lunatic, as if life wasn't complicated enough.” She sighed and felt herself clenching her fist, that man was making her very angry, how dare he threaten her kids?

“We also have the problem of finding somewhere to live while they sort out our place, and finally, should I keep racing or retire gracefully and try and help here?” Jenny saw Dave look at his feet, she also saw Drew jump almost off his seat.

“You can't give up the racing Mum, you can't!” he said loudly, “I won't let you.”

“Sweetheart, I thank you for your support but that's my decision to make not yours, in the same way, it's your decision to make as to who you want to be. We can all say our piece, but at the end of the day the person concerned has the final say in the matter.”

“But you're the world champion, doesn't that mean you owe it to cycling, to your team, to us?” asked Drew, tears streaming down his face, “You can't just walk away from it, you can't.”

“Gaby darling, if I consider something is more important than all of that, then I can and will. It will be my choice, my decision.”

“But you can't” cried Drew, “you can't it's not fair, it's all my fault (sob), I wish I was dead, then none of this would have happened….it's all my fault.” He went to get up from the table but Jules held on to his hand and pulled him back.

“Gaby,” said Jenny sharply. He looked up at her his face awash with tears and self-disgust. “Don't you ever let me hear you say anything like that again. It is not your fault, do you hear me. None of this is your fault, it just happened and we need to deal with it as a family, sticking together not blaming ourselves or each other.”

“Absolutely,” said Dave, “ as a family we are unbeatable, if we start splitting up, we're in trouble. We need to work as a team to beat these things, we need to stick together.”

“Why can't you go back to Germany?” asked Drew, wiping his face on his arm.

“Because I need to be here with you, helping to keep you safe.”

“But you can't protect me, you've never seen Meadows, how can you keep him from me? If the police can't how can you?” His voice was shrill with emotion, but he was making some valid points and Jenny felt her heart sink.

“So how do you propose we keep you as safe as we can?” asked Dave, trying to keep things calm.

“Let me go back down to Dorset,” said Drew quietly.

“How is that going to help?” asked Dave.

“It will,” said Drew nervously.

“I need more reason than that Gaby.”

“Okay, I will feel safer ‘cos they all think I'm a girl down there.” He glanced around and they were all waiting for some more information, “So like, it'll be better. Maddy will have to come as well, or Meadows will think she's me and hurt her. We could borrow the cottage again, he's never attacked us there, an' ‘cos the local police know him better, they've got more chance of catching him.”

“What?” gasped Jenny.

“She may have a point,” admitted Dave, “several in fact, but it involves other people.”

“I'll go and look after her,” offered Jules, which brought a smirk from Drew and astonishment from Jenny.

“Can we keep this serious?” said Dave, which brought a groan from Jules but Drew squeezing her hand prevented her from launching into a full sulk. “We know you'd like to see more of John, which we understand, but looking after your sister while there's a maniac on the loose? I don't think so.”

“I know Mad would go with me, and I think Gran would too,” said Drew hopefully.

“Why not go up to your Gran's house for a bit?”

“Cos they like know me up there, an' I want to go back to Dorset.”

“This has nothing to do with Harry, has it? He hasn't been giving you ideas?” asked Jenny feeling concern.

“Who him? No way. I like, feel safer there than here.”

“How can you?”

“I dunno, I just do,” said Drew his voice growing shrill again.

“Okay,okay, let's just calm down again.”

“Well you ask me what I want, an' when I tell you, you won't believe me,” stated Drew defensively, a tear forming as he spoke.

“Okay, but it has to be feasible Dre. Gaby,” said Dave correcting himself, “So far it hasn't.”

“You are prepared to do anything but go back to school here, aren't you?” said Jenny.

Drew looked away, then down at his feet, the tears began in earnest, and unable to speak, he nodded his reply.

“So, you'd rather risk being in Dorset, where Meadows is on his home territory than go back to school here?”

Drew nodded tearfully again.

“That doesn't give much credence to us as your parents in being able to manage your changeover and integration, does it?”

Drew sat sniffing for a moment before saying, “What?”

“Protecting you when you go to school,” said Dave.

“No,” sniffed Drew; at which Jenny and Dave looked at each other in total dismay.

“So, let me get this straight,” said Dave, “you would rather go somewhere where you have to be a girl; than stay here and have the option of perhaps returning to being a boy?”

“What option? If I were to change back into a boy, these could be a problem,” he said pointing at his chest, “And what about Maddy? Meadows will think she's me.”

“Meadows wouldn't be fooled just ‘cos you got a hair cut and wear silly clothes,” said Jules with a hint of frustration creeping into her voice. Here they were talking about Gaby or Drew again, when was she going to get some attention?

“Thank you Juliette for that profound observation,” said Dave coldly.

“Well it's true, just ‘cos that mingin' moron Clive can't see through a bit of makeup to see he has the hots for my brother, doesn't mean Meadows is as dumb. If he was they'd have caught him by now.”

Drew wanted to snigger, Jules had hit it on the nail much to the ‘rents annoyance.

“So, I like think she might be better off somewhere else and at least she does know someone down there.” Jules continued her argument even though it had less to do with her distressed sibling than her own repressed hormones. Drew was nodding.

“I don't like it and personally I don't think it's at all feasible, even if Maddy, Carol and your gran agree to it. I think it's too dangerous.” Dave was not going to be convinced.

“Is that what you really want Gaby?” asked Jenny holding out her hand to her younger child.

“Yes,” said Drew, taking her hand and squeezing it, “And I want you to defend your title.”

“I thought I had explained all that as my decision,” Jenny spoke with a little irritation creeping into her voice.

“You did, but you also asked me what I wanted, and that is what I want.”

“For how long?” asked Dave, looking for ways to undermine what he considered was poor logic and even worse risk assessment.

“As long as it takes,” said Drew with no emotion.

“That could mean months,” Dave emphasised the ‘months' as he spoke.

“Okay,” said Drew resignedly.

“You would be prepared to stay as a girl for months just to avoid having to go to school with your friends, here?”

“Yeah,” the answer was very short.

“I think you are being very foolish, young lady.”

“So, you keep asking me what I want, if you're not gonna like bother to give it to me, why bother asking?” This time Drew pulled his hand from Jules and stood up. “There is like no point in me staying here, no one bloody listens to me!” His voice reached a crescendo and he stepped towards the door.

“DREW, I mean Gaby,” shouted Dave, “STAY HERE,” but Drew had already passed through the door and was heading up the stairs. Dave rushed out in hot pursuit. He felt a tangle of emotions; he was not going to be ignored by his child at the same time he wanted to do his best to protect her.

Drew had made it to the bedroom and shut the door unaware his father was only a yard or two behind him. He flung himself on his bed grabbing Bunny as he did. Almost simultaneously, Dave flung open the door and said loudly, “How dare you walk out on me when I'm speaking to you?”

A feeble voice said, “Go away,” followed by sobbing.

“No I won't,” insisted Dave, “I won't have a child of mine show me or your mother, such disrespect.” His anger was reaching boiling point. He pulled Drew by the shoulder and turned him over to face him.

Drew was shocked by this and screeched at the top of his voice, “LEAVE ME ALONE.” Dave was equally shocked and released his grip, whereupon Drew curled up into a fetal position cuddling Bunny and sobbing heavily.

Jenny burst into the room, “What the hell is going on?” she demanded, “You out,” she snapped at Dave and pointed at the door. Then she sat alongside the crying teen and began to stroke his hair.

“If you really want to go back to Dorset, I'll speak to the others, but I can't promise anything. Is it what you really want?”

“No,” sobbed Drew, “I want to die.”

“Oh darling don't say that, I know you don't mean it. Please tell me you don't,” Jenny pulled him to her and held him, rocking him gently as if her were her baby again. “Please promise me you won't do anything silly.”

But Drew remained silent save for his sobbing.

“Gaby please tell me you won't do anything, you know…silly,” as the euphemism for suicide is often called. Her mind was running on adrenalin and at lightning speeds, much like when she was racing, she loved it. She was a real adrenalin junky.

She pondered on her last statement, suicide is serious business, it doesn't come much more serious than death, so ‘silly' seemed somewhat inappropriate for such a grave matter. The English language, apart from being murdered by Americans and teenagers, was indeed a strange creation.

“Surely things can't be that bad if we stay here?” she purred in his ear, “We'll all be here to help you.”

Drew continued sobbing, he felt despair and after her last statement, some anger. She continued talking to him and rocking him, rubbing the back of his neck as she did so. It soothed and agitated him at the same time, he'd never felt such animosity to his mother before. It frightened him.

She repeated her remark and showed her lack of understanding of his position; “It can't be so bad…..”

Drew pushed her aside and leapt off the bed, “How do you know what it's like? They will kill me or make me wish I had died. How many times do I have to tell you? YOU DON'T LISTEN.” Then he collapsed exhausted on the bed.

“Okay sweetheart, you can go back to Dorchester if you promise me you won't try to hurt yourself. Promise?”

“Promise,” came a weak response.

“I'm going to speak to your father, I'll be back soon.” She leant over and kissed him, “I love you sweetheart, we all do.” Then she left him alone as she went to talk with Dave.

“No, I am not happy with it and I don't care if it's what she wants.” Dave paced up and down the room as Jenny tried to persuade him.

“I think she might well do something to herself if we insist on her going to school here.”

“Can't we get some of her friends over to talk some sense into her.”

“I don't know if that would work, but we can do it if you want? I suppose some of them will have to know anyway.”

“I'm surprised they haven't been over already,” voiced Dave at the same time feeling relieved that they hadn't, space was at a premium.

“I asked them not to, I phoned Sylv and asked her to put the word out that we were unable to receive visitors.”

“Oh,” said Dave, “That would explain it.” He paused to think, “It's not going to work is it?”

“What?” asked Jenny wondering which ‘it', he was talking about.

“Making her stay here, she's just like her bloody mother, determined and single-minded. I don't know why I bother arguing, I always lose irrespective of the validity of my case. You just dig in, and that's it, game over!”

“So what are you saying, exactly?”

“She can go to bloody Dorset if that's what she really wants assuming Maddy and at least one other adult goes too, but I want it recognised that I am far from happy about it. I also want her to tell her friends why she won't be going to school with them next term.”

“Isn't that a bit cruel, Dave Bond?”

“I don't think so, they need to know what is going on so they can help her if she needs it. Besides, if we get her a lap top she can email us every day and some of them too.”

“Okay, I'll go and speak to her.”

“It isn't a negotiation, it's my surrender, I'm attaching conditions but don't tell her.”

Jenny walked up to him and hugged and then kissed him, “I love you Dave Bond,” then she went off to inform Drew.

Angharad ap Gwilym 01.04.07 © 2007
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