The first thing I was aware of was the pain.

I think I screamed, because the pain went away and I was flying.

I opened my eyes and saw hooded figures and I giggled. It was like a cartoon.

"Josie. Can you hear me?"

"Hi," I said, and giggled again. My voice sounded funny.

"Josie, tell me, where are you?"

I thought about that, and for some reason I couldn't remember. Then I remembered the pain, and they were all wearing masks. It all came back, I remembered.

"Hospital," I declared, triumphantly.

"Good, how do you feel?"

"I don't know, you tell me?" I said and giggled again. My voice was all scratchy.

The pain started creeping back. I felt a dull ache in my groin, and my nose was sore, as were my lips. I had a sore throat, and felt sick. The world was spinning, and I shut my eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

I felt movement, and at one point I opened my eyes to watch ceiling lights flit passed very quickly. I closed my eyes again.

I must have passed out, because the next I remember, I was in my room again, and I was in bed. I was propped up, with tubes going into my arm, and tubes coming out from under my nightie.

The sun was out, and there were flowers all over my room. A nurse was taking my pulse and looking at her watch.

I had something in my mouth. It was a thermometer.

She took it out and looked at it.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"Fucking horrible," I croaked.

I had a bandage on my nose, and a dressing on my lips. My throat was sore, and I still felt sick.

"Well, you are over the hard bit. Try to sleep. The pain relief will help."

I must have dozed off again, because when I woke up Paul was sitting next to the bed.

"Hi," I squeaked.

"Hey there. Howya doin'?"

"Don't ask."

He smiled and took my hand.

I smiled, it hurt, and I moaned.

"Take it easy. This is the worst bit. You'll be tons better tomorrow."

"Urgh," I said, and went back to sleep.

He had gone when I next woke up, and my mother was sitting by the window, knitting.

"Mum?" I said.

"Hello darling. How are you?"

"Urgh," I said. It summed up everything very nicely.

"Paul was here for hours. He said he would be back tomorrow. He has to get on and finish an article by this evening."

"Umph," I said, and retched into a kidney bowl.

I wasn't stunning company, that was for sure. The pain relief was turned down, I think, because very soon I was almost going up the wall.

My face hurt, but that was bearable, but my groin was really sore. Not a sharp pain, but a really constant ache, which was so uncomfortable, I kept trying to move to get away from it.

The nausea passed, and I still had a thumping headache. Nurses came and went, and gradually I became more aware for longer. Mother had gone, and I was alone. I was able to focus on the clock and was surprised it was six pm. I had gone to theatre at 8am.

Mr Boyle came in and sat on the bed.

"Hi, sore?"

I laughed, and even that hurt.

He grinned.

"You can expect to be sore for a few days. Today is the worst. I will take the dressing and packing out tomorrow, and believe me, a lot of the discomfort is due to that. Other than the pain, the operation was a great success. You had sufficient surplus skin for me to make everything, and so as long as you do the exercises, you should have no problems down below.

"As for the facial work. My colleague, Mr Simmons, is very pleased with the work, and once the swelling goes down, you will hardly recognise yourself."

I just looked at him, as it was the only thing that didn't hurt. He just smiled in a sadistic fashion.

"There is the disadvantage of having it all done at once, but, trust me, in a few days, you will be up and about. And in just a couple of weeks, you will have forgotten what all the fuss was about. You do have the advantage of youth. If you were just ten years older, you could add two weeks to your recovery time."

"Humph," I said, and even that hurt.

"Just liquid tonight. Then once we unpack you, you can go onto solids."

"Whoop-de-doo," I croaked, unenthusiastically.

He grinned maliciously again.

"Try to sleep, it will make the pain go away."

"Humph."

He stood up, and wiggled my foot gently. That hurt too.

"Fuggoff," I grunted, and he waved and said a cheery bye-bye.

I declined soup, and was allowed some chilled fruit juice, which I sucked slowly through a straw.

I had a restless night, the pain was quite intense, and I just could not escape and get comfortable. By morning I was feeling depressed and regretted ever agreeing to this stupid idea.

The nurses woke (joke) me up at seven, and took blood pressure, temperature, pulse etc. I was given a bit of a wash, and my drips were changed. I had not increased the pain relief, and had it on minimum. I was terrified of becoming morphine dependant.

I had some more fruit juice, and felt bloody tired and fed up.

At 9am, Mr Boyle was back. There was a nurse with him, and she started to pull the bedclothes back.

"Okay, young lady. It is time to take a peek at my handywork."

They unwrapped the dressing, and I lay back and grimaced. I felt the sharp tug as they removed the urinary catheter, and then there was a sudden release from the discomfort. It still ached, but only a fraction of what it had been like.

He whistled through his teeth.

"Very neat. Even if I do say so myself. Do you want to look?" he said.

I took a quick peek, envisaging something from a butcher's shop. I was surprised to see what I could recognise as normal female genitalia, just a bit red and puffy, and there were a few sutures visible. I was completely shorn, but I had been awake when they had done that. It looked fine to me.

"The stitches will dissolve, and in a few months, after the hair grows back, no one would ever tell. Now, the first thing is being able to pee, so that is an important step. Next is the old bowel movement. Sometimes you might have rather a runny tummy, so don't worry, it is perfectly normal. But then again you might not.

"The dilation must start tomorrow, and you can have a warm bath tomorrow evening. Any questions so far?"

I shook my head.

He took the dressing off my nose.

"That looks good. It is still a little puffy, but in a few days it will be perfect. It looks good, do you want to see?"

I nodded, and he took off the lip dressings too. I was handed a mirror, and could see that my nose was enormous, and my lips were huge. I looked like a freak.

He just laughed.

"As I said, they are both swollen, and will subside in a few hours, or certainly in a couple of days. You can eat today, but keep it simple, and not too much. You will be very sensitive and tender down there."

"I am everywhere, already."

He smiled.

"Isn't that better without the packing?"

I nodded.

"So, you should sleep a bit better tonight. Just let the nurse know if you want a pee."

He was gone again, and I was left feeling a little better. I was still tired, and so much so that I managed to drift off to sleep again.

I woke up at ten, feeling some pressure in the bladder department. Paul was sitting in the chair by my bed, and he was reading his newspaper.

"Hi," I said.

"Hello, better?"

"That wouldn't be difficult. How did the article go?"

"Fine. I got it in on time."

I smiled, and twisted and rang for the nurse.

"You look all busted up," he said.

"Thanks, I feel all busted up. Hopefully, it will go down soon."

"Yeah, I saw the doc, and he reckons that in a couple of days, you'll be fine."

The nurse came in.

"I need the loo!" I said.

"Okay, swing the legs over gently," she said. I staggered to the loo, feeling very weak and wobbly.

I sat and let go. The sensation was familiar, yet different, and it was so strange not having a willy. I sat and stared at my new bits, and suddenly felt so much better. I was complete at last.

I wiped and there was a little pink on the tissue. The nurse just smiled and nodded. I still had a huge smile on my face when I went back to bed.

Paul spent two hours with me, and I was in a buoyant mood when he left me. He was zooming off to Jersey to do a piece on the hotels there. He was going to be away for a couple of weeks, and even that didn't piss me off too much.

I had some lunch. It was just some macaroni cheese and an apple. I ate very slowly and gently.

Both my parents came in the afternoon, and I asked Mum to read all the cards and tell me who sent the flowers. I was amazed how many people had sent something, and felt very humble.

By the evening, I was very tired, and sore. I was happy to sleep.

Dilators. Urgh.

Four days after the operation, I was allowed to dress. But only after in had fulfilled that morning's regimen of dilation. There were five in the set, and one to three were fine. Four was proving hard, and required patience, muscle control, lubrication and sheer will power.

My face was returning to normal, and I was flopping about in a very loose summer dress. I had to wear baggy disposable knickers with in-built pads. Sexy? No. Practical? For the moment, yes.

Paul called me every day, and although he told me he was missing me, I sensed he was not perhaps missing me as much as he told me. I caught up with my reading, and once the pain subsided, I started taking mild exercises in the hospital gym.

I only had one day left, and was already to keep my dilation programme going. I was too well aware that if I wanted an active and successful sex life, then this aspect was vital.

I would take out number five, which I had nicknamed 'Arnie', look at him, and put him back. If ever I met a bloke that size, I think I'd just run.

I was sitting in the sun, just enjoying the warmth, and feeling almost human for the first time, when I heard a squeal of delight.

"JOSIE. YOOHOO."

I looked up and saw Debbie and Caroline. Needless to say Tim was there, and another guy I didn't know.

I waved, and they came bounding over to me.

The stranger was Bruce, and I smiled at Caroline, who blushed.

Tim and Debbie were now very much an item, and I was thrilled.

Bruce kept staring at me, and Debbie nudged him.

"Stop staring." she said.

"Sorry." he muttered.

I grinned.

"Leave him alone, he's never seen a construct before," I said.

"A what?" asked Caroline.

"A construct. Someone who has been constructed rather than been born. I am an android. Didn't you see the film Blade Runner, with Harrison Ford?"

Bruce frowned.

"What did you tell him?" I asked.

"Nothing. Why?"

"Bruce, what have you heard about me?" I asked.

He looked uncomfortable.

"Just you'd had a sex change."

"That's right. No big deal," I said.

He was still staring at me.

"Bruce, it is rude to stare." I said.

"I'm sorry, but you look too, I mean, you don't look, um, er, were you really a bloke?" he asked, unbelieving.

I kissed him on the cheek.

"You really know how to make a girl feel good," I said.

We had a great day, and they were in great form. I hadn't heard from Stewart at all, so I asked after him.

"He has been working in the shop. Apparently they got a huge order from the States, and they've been working all hours. I saw him last week, and he was looking completely knackered. He did say he was going to try to come down," Debbie said.

"Are you allowed booze?" Tim asked.

"Why, whatya got?" I asked.

"Barcardi and coke," he offered in a coke bottle.

I took a swig, and it tasted great. He passed out several bottles, all premixed.

"So, what is everyone doing this summer?" I asked.

"I'm going to the States and Canada for my year out. I have a job in Canada on my Uncle's fruit farm in Ontario," said Tim.

"Debbs?"

"I don't know yet. I may see what working on a fruit farm is like," she said, grinning at Tim. I smiled, and wondered whether she had progressed beyond blow-jobs yet. The looks they gave each other rather made me suspect she had.

"I'm going to Germany, I have a job on a camp, helping with the kids." said Caroline.

"Bruce?"

"I'm not sure. My Dad wants me to find a job, then go to uni next year, but I'm not sure if I want to wait around a year."

"If you get some money, then it might save a few bob. Those fees and loans are crippling."

"That bastard Blair. I see he went to Uni on a grant," said Debbs.

"Champagne socialist," muttered Tim.

"How about you Josie?" asked Caroline.

"I thought I'd find a willing man, insure him for a cool million, and fuck his brains out," I said, and they all fell about laughing.

"Seriously, what are you going to do?"

I shrugged.

"I'm not sure. I've had a job offer, which I may take up, and then again, I really don't know what I want to do. I thought I did when I completed the UCAS form, but things have changed a little bit."

"What's the job?" Tim asked.

"As a travel rep with Lynx Holidays. I was a ski rep for five weeks at Easter. The boss lady wanted me to go back after my exams. I think I might."

"Um, did you do that as a bloke or a girl?" Bruce asked.

"A girl. I used my sister's name. She worked for the company, and I looked enough like her to use her passport and stuff."

"Actually, you do look like Jezzy. In fact, with your nose and lips done, you are much more like her than before," Debbie said.

"You reckon?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Where is Jessica, I haven't seen her for ages?" asked Tim.

"She went for a holiday in the Caribbean, hence my job in France, then her boyfriend took her to the States, then they got engaged, and she has been there ever since," I told them.

"She always was one for the boys," muttered Debbie.

"Yeah, well this one is almost thirty, and an oil billionaire."

"My God, even older that your Paul," said Caroline.

Debbie was watching me like a hawk.

"How is he?" she asked.

"Okay, he is in Jersey. Working," I said.

"What with you here, like this?" she asked.

"Its okay, he was here for the first couple of days," I said.

"Yeah, right!" she said, and I stayed silent.

In fact everyone was silent, and there was an embarrassed hush for a moment.

"So, how long are you staying down here?"

"Just tonight. We've booked two rooms in a bed and breakfast. The school holidays haven't started so there are some vacancies."

"Two rooms?" I asked, and Caroline went bright red.

I just smiled.

"How are you getting home?" Tim asked.

"Mum is coming down, I think," I said.

"You wont need a lift, then?"

"I don't think so. I am getting out just after breakfast, and the dilation."

"What is dilation?" asked Caroline.

I stood up.

"Let me introduce you to Arnie," I said, and took them to my room.

I honestly thought Caroline's eyes were going to pop out.

"This is the smallest one," I said, holding up the massive Arnie.

"Oh my God!" she squealed.

"This is about half the size of a real one. So as I get better, I move onwards and up wards." I said, and I thought she was going to faint. Bruce was looking rather depressed, and then Debbie couldn't control herself any longer.

She just collapsed onto my bed, and waved her legs in the air.

She was laughing so much I was afraid she would wet herself.

"Oh, Caro. If you could have seen your face," she wept.

"Actually, this is the biggest, and if ever I meet a bloke that big, then I think I'll just shut up and marry him."

"That's not big. I'm three times that size," said Tim, with a grin.

"Shut up. If you think you are that size, then I think we need to take you to an optician," said Debbie with a giggle.

They left me at teatime, and I was sad, as they were such good fun. I was lucky to have friends who accepted me for who I was, and I was perfectly at ease with them. I knew from Paul that most who went through what I was doing were not so fortunate, as bigotry and prejudice was a real barrier to individuals finding acceptance amongst family and community.

I was feeling a bit low so I rang Paul, and although he was up-beat and cheerful, it wasn't the same as having him with me. In a way I was pleased he wasn't here, because I wanted him to see me looking normal, and not like a prize fighter. Although the facial swelling had gone down, I was bruised, and feeling really ugly.

But I really wanted to hold someone, and he wasn't here for me to do that.

I went back to my room, and changed into my tracksuit. I popped into the gym, and spent an hour just building up my stamina again on the stepper.

I had returned to my room for a shower, and was sitting on my bed wrapped in a towel and painting my toenails, when the door opened and Stewart popped his head round.

"Hi Barbie doll," he said, and thrust a bunch of red roses into my hand.

My heart gave a strange lurch, and I realised how much I had missed him.

"Hi Tosspot. They are lovely, thanks," I stood up, carefully, and put them in the basin. I didn't have a vase handy, so I would have to wait until the nurse came round.

"Shit. You look great," he said.

I blushed.

"Cool room. Is this private, or what?"

"Private."

"It's more like a hotel than a hospital."

"It's pretty nice, but I miss not having people around me."

I realised that I was almost stark naked, and he was looking at me with a very odd expression.

"Stoo. Give me a minute to get dressed?"

He grinned, and left me alone.

I dressed, and put on a pretty yellow summer dress, and left my legs bare. It was nice to be able to fill a bra with 100% me, and I spent time and effort on my makeup, and had to admit that my smaller nose and new fuller lips did improve my looks. I brushed my hair and slipped on my shoes.

I then went looking for him, and found him at the nurse's station describing some horrendous affliction that his late uncle was alleged to have died of.

He looked up as I approached.

I smiled, and his jaw dropped.

The nurse nodded at me, as if to say, 'He's an idiot. But a very nice one.'

"Is that better?" I asked him, and he just nodded.

"You look, um, you look good."

"Good?"

He grinned.

"Yeah, good enough to eat," he said, and tried to bite my bum.

I squealed and ran out into the garden, and he followed.

I stopped, and he almost knocked me over.

"Careful, I am very delicate," I said. He just smiled.

"You look great, Jo. What have they done to your face, there is something different?

"See if you can tell?" I said, and sat on the bench. He sat next to me, and looked closely at me.

"Your nose. It is different," he said.

"In what way?"

"I don't know, it looks a bit smaller."

I smiled.

"And your mouth, your lips seem fuller somehow."

"Well done."

"You really look like your sister now."

"That's a bit of a bummer," I said and he laughed.

"Oh, I don't agree, I always had the hots for Jessica, mind you, so did everyone else."

"Really? You filthy little beast," I said, and he gave me a dirty laugh.

"Actually, you look better than Jezzy. You have some intelligence in your eyes."

"Thanks a bunch, that doesn't say much," I said.

He pointed to my groin.

"Everything done okay?"

"Yup, but I'm not allowed to use it for twelve weeks."

"Bugger, and there was me hoping to be the first," he said, and I blushed and looked away.

"Hey, Jo. I'm joking," he said.

"I know."

"Is that all you, as well?"

I looked where he was looking, and typically, it was at my breasts.

"All home grown, no implants."

"Really, how come?"

I shrugged.

"I think I was on the hormones for a long time, and they have just grown. I was given the option of implants, but I didn't fancy being a Jordan."

"I'm glad, you look perfect, just as you are," he said, and I looked at him.

"How's Paul?" he asked, and I smiled.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing. Paul is fine as far as I know. I rang him yesterday, and he is still in Jersey, and will be back at the end of next week."

"How are things?"

I looked away, and tried to think how to answer this one. I knew why he was asking, and it was quite hard for me.

"I don't know. Honestly. He has been there for me all the way to this point, and I just feel he is either losing interest, or is afraid he is losing me. It could be that I have changed too much, and he doesn't like what I am now, or that we are just growing apart. I know he wants to settle down, and I don't."

"How do you know that?"

"We had a long chat a few weeks ago, and we just seemed to be drifting apart," I said.

"What do you want, Jo?"

I looked at him.

"I just want to be me. I am fed up of being what other people want me to be. My parents wanted me to be the son I couldn't be, and Paul wants me to be the little woman at home. Well, I just want to be me. Why can't I be me, Stoo?"

"I want you to be you," he said, and I reached out and took his hand.

"Yeah, but who am I, Stoo?"

"The most beautiful girl I have ever known," he said, and looked away, reddening rapidly.

We sat in silence, and he had a tight grip of my hand.

"Stoo, do remember the last time I saw you?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Could you just hold me? I need someone to just hold me."

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, and I snuggled up to him. We fitted very nicely together.

We sat like that for ages. It was a warm sunny evening, and my mind was in a real whirl.

"Jo?"

"Mmm?"

"I told your folks that I'd take you home tomorrow."

"Oh, where are you staying?"

"There is a motel just down the road, I've a room there. I just had to see you."

"That's nice," I said.

"Are you allowed out for supper?"

"I suppose so. I have only a final check with the surgeon tomorrow, and then I'm free. Today is the first day that all my swellings have gone down."

"Do you fancy coming to the local pub or something?"

We went in, still holding hands, and I spoke to the nurse. As long as I was back by ten, there was no problem. I took my mobile, and so was contactable if necessary. I was still on some anti-biotic as infection was a threat, but the course ended tomorrow as well.

He drove us to a sweet little pub called the White Horse, and I have no idea of the name of the village.

It was quite busy, but there was room in the garden. I had a cardigan in case it chilled off, but it was fine at the moment. They had a barbeque going, and we just sat and ate freshly cooked burgers, sausages and kebabs. There was a real family atmosphere, and there were loads of kids just mucking about. There was a play area at one end, and I saw Paul-like figures supervising their children.

It brought it back to me, we had drifted apart, and I had to admit it.

I sipped my OJ, and he had a pint of lager. He sat next to me, and when we weren't eating, he held my hand, or wrapped his arm possessively across my shoulders. It was nice. I felt very comfortable and safe. I trusted Stewart more than I trusted anyone else in the world. Even more than Paul.

A folk group started up, and played in the corner of the garden, and it was brilliant. I felt the happiest I had been since the operation.

"Jo?"

"Mmm?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You made a funny noise."

"I was purring."

"Eh?"

"I'm really happy, so shut up, and hold me."

We listened to the group for a few numbers.

"Jo?"

"What?"

"How are your lips?"

"My lips? Fine, why?" I asked, and looked at him.

He gently kissed me, so gently, that I almost cried out.

"I've been wanting to do that for weeks," he said.

I was silent. My head and my heart were having a minor conflict. My head wanted me to wait so Paul could be released, and my heart wanted to kiss him again. My head also told me that I was still raw and tender from surgery, and my heart told me to just go with the flow.

"Have I upset you again?" he asked, worried.

"No, try again," I said, and he kissed me again. He was still gentle, and our tongues touched and danced lightly together. I took my hand to behind his head and pulled him gently towards me. One of his hands found its way to my right breast, and ever so tenderly, he caressed it, and stroked the nipple.

I experienced an explosion of feelings deep within me, and my groin seemed to become very warm. I could feel my nipple respond and harden under his delicate touch, and our kiss became less gentle.

I lost track of time, and the kiss stretched into an eternity. Time and the world ceased to exist, and all I knew was that I was in love. I had loved Paul, and it was a love born out of need. But the love I felt now was born out of a longing and fulfilment of my soul. I ached to possess and to be possessed by Stewart, and I felt us almost becoming one entity for the duration of the kiss.

He broke away, and I immediately felt a loss.

"Sorry, but it is almost ten. I should take you back," he said.

"Stoo, I, I, shit, what did you do to me?"

"What you did to me weeks ago."

"What was that?"

"Jo, I told you I love you. I still love you, but it is so much deeper now. I don't think I understand it, but I just love you."

We stood up, and walked hand-in-hand to the car. He drove slowly back to the hospital, and I was feeling very strange.

"Are you okay?"

"No."

"What's the matter?" he asked, suddenly worried.

"It's my heart."

"What?"

"I've just lost it."

He looked at me quickly.

"I love you, you stupid Tosspot. Now what the fuck do we do?"

He laughed, and drove through the gates into the hospital.

"What about Paul?"

"Paul is my problem. Leave him to me," I said, as I got out of his car.

We walked to my room, and I checked back in with the nurse. She was just going off duty, and the night nurse was just coming on.

Stewart came to my room, and went to the loo while I got ready for bed. I was sitting on the bed in my nightdress when he returned. He sat next to me, and took my hand.

"Do you remember that time at school, and we were in that play?"

"What, when we were about thirteen?"

"Yeah, you had to play a girl's part, and I was the hero, and we had to kiss. Do you remember?"

I'd never forgotten, I was in heaven then. I was able to be a girl for the first time in my life, and I even was kissed. Mind you the embarrassment of the situation took away most of the nice feelings.

"I remember," I said, smiling at the memory.

"Well, I just thought I'd tell you, you are a better kisser now."

"So are you. But, I just want you to know, I really liked the first one, all those years ago."

"Yurgh. We were both blokes."

"No, Stoo, I've never been a bloke, not inside."

He looked at me.

"Well, not on the outside either, anymore."

I kissed his cheek, and went to the bathroom and had a pee, washed my face, and cleaned my teeth.

When I came back, he was on my bed, watching the TV. There was a film on, Air Force One, starring Harrison Ford.

I lay next to him, and we snuggled together, and he put his arm around me. We watched the film together, and half way through the nurse came in.

She smiled as soon as she saw us, and just left us alone after taking my blood pressure and stuff.

"Is this allowed?" Stewart asked.

"She will be back later with a shotgun."

He sniggered.

"I'll have to marry you then."

I actually dozed off, and only woke up as he was tucking me in.

He kissed me and I smiled sleepily at him.

"Bye, I'll be back at nine."

" 'kay, bye."

"I love you, Jo."

"Mmm, I love you too, Tosspot."

He grinned and quietly left.

I drifted off to sleep with a smile on my face.

Mr Boyle was in my room at eight thirty, and he gave me a full examination.

"I am really pleased with your progress. You are healing so much quicker than many. You have been very consistent with the dilation programme. That is really excellent. Number five has to be done within the next four weeks, and then you can relax. How far have you got?"

"Number four, just."

He smiled.

"Most don't get that far this quickly. Is there any pain?"

"None, it is a little tight, but with the KY, I'm fine."

"The stitches have mostly dissolved already, and all the swelling has gone down. Even your gynaecologist would not be able to tell you weren't a natural, until he sees you don't have a cervix."

He looked at my head, particularly my nose, mouth and throat.

"Perfect. He has done a first class job on you. It is quite amazing, as you are a stunningly pretty girl. Not that you weren't before, but this just takes the edge of masculinity away, that spoiled your otherwise perfectly feminine face."

I smiled, as he was saying all the right things.

"Now, I have written a letter to your GP, and I understand you have already gone through the name change business with the passport authority and driving licences etcetera. But you need to make sure it is all done legally. I see no reason why you should have a long and productive life. My only sadness is that you will never be able to conceive, bear and give birth to a child, as you look only too right for just that."

I smiled, and nodded. It was my great regret, but it was a very small price to pay.

Stewart was waiting for me in reception. I was wearing a skirt and light top. I still couldn't bear the thought of wearing tights, so I was bare legged again.

He stood as I approached, and I just melted into his arms and he kissed me.

It went on and on, and it felt wonderful.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"I missed you. Did you sleep well after I left?"

"Mmm."

"Ready to go home?"

"Mmm."

"Come on then," he took my bag from me, and we walked hand-in-hand to his car.

He was very quiet on the way back.

"Stoo?"

"Yup?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"How the hell I'm going to explain you to my parents."

"Ah."

"Ah. Indeed. Any suggestions?"

"Not right now."

"I mean, I'd told them you'd not been well, and that you'd had to have an operation. But they also know us pretty well, and we were closer that brothers for the last eight years. Mum said something really off to me when I said was coming to fetch you."

"Oh yes?"

"She said, 'mind you be nice, and don't be too judgmental. The poor child has had a hell of a time.' Now what the hell did she mean by that?"

"Does you mum know Jean Jackson or Hazel McKay?" I asked him.

He scrunched up his face in thought.

"Yes, I think so, the names ring a bell, why?"

"There's your answer. Both were visiting Mum the other day, and I was dressed like this. I spun them a yarn about a genetic gender disorder, and that I had always been a girl. I seemed to go down all right, and neither twitched at all. Now if they know, then most of Oxford will know by now."

"You mean my folks already know?"

"Possibly."

"And they didn't tell me?"

"It could be they figured that you already know."

"Then what about the judgmental bit?"

"They possibly think you might be upset and get cross with me for deceiving you for all these years."

He lapsed into silence, and frowned as he drove.

"Stoo?"

"What?"

"I hate to be a pain, but I need the loo, and I am a little unpredictable in that department still. Can we stop?"

"Yeah, fine. Are you okay?"

"Fine, I just don't want to put excess pressure on my plumbing."

"Oh, right." he said, looking a little embarrassed.

He pulled off the road into a pub car park.

"This okay?"

It looked a nice pub, but he sensed that I was nervous.

"I'll come with you. Look, its eleven o'clock, we could have a drink or something." he said.

"Okay, a cappuccino would be brilliant."

We went in and he ordered our coffees and I went to the loo. When I came out he was in deep conversation with the barman. He came over carrying our coffees, and grinning from ear to ear.

"Why do you look so pleased with yourself?" I asked, as we settled down into a booth.

"The barman, he asks me who you were."

I frowned.

"Why?"

"He said, 'I recognise her off the telly, I now she is an actress, now who is she?' He wouldn't have it you weren't famous."

I smiled, as little things like this really made me feel better. No matter how much better I felt as Josie, I still was suffering a crisis of confidence. It was terrible going through life waiting for someone to see through me, and tell the world what I really was - a freak.

My mobile went, and it was Paul. Stewart rolled his eyes and wandered off to the loo.

"Hi Paul."

"Hi. How are you?"

"Great. I've been discharged and I am on my way home. We had to stop, I needed the loo."

"Did your folks pick you up?"

"No, Stewart collected me. You remember him?"

"Yeah, your friend from way back?"

"That's him. Anyway, we are having a coffee in this little pub on the way home. How are you?"

"I'm great, Jersey is a really nice place."

I was getting vibes now, and I was feeling very uneasy.

"When are you coming home?"

"Ah, I was coming home next week, but I've an opportunity to stay on a while. There is a really good article in the historical side of this place. Did you know that the Germans invaded the Channel Islands and occupied them in WW2?"

"Yes. Paul?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember our conversation about being honest and open?"

"Yeah. (Pause) You can tell, hey?"

"I can tell. Besides which, I need to be honest too."

"So, who goes first?"

"I will, that way you can blame me. I just feel that we have taken 'us' as far as we are going, and I am going to take the job with Miranda at Lynx. I want you to know, so that we can stay friends, and just take a step backwards, if that is what we both feel is appropriate."

"That's it?" he asked, sounding a little surprised.

"Yes. Why did you think I was falling in love with someone else?"

"From the way you said the honesty bit, yes."

"I haven't had time, I've been busy, remember?" I said feeling guilty about Stewart. "And I suppose, I am still very close to Stewart. Although, nothing has been said. It's funny, we've been friends for so long, it almost feels as if we have been lovers too."

"Friendships can have that affect."

"It was nice of him to come and get me. I am feeling very vulnerable now."

"Yeah, and I feel bad about that. I felt the same when I first came out from hospital. But I wasn't there for you, was I?"

"You were there when I needed you, and I still love you for the wonderful man you are, but our lives are taking a different road just now, and we need to recognise that." I said.

Stewart came back and made a face, and I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Okay, I accept that, and I guess it makes what I have to say a bit easier."

"You've met someone?" I said.

He was silent.

"I think I knew." I said.

"How?"

"Woman's intuition. What you said, how you said it, and what you didn't say."

He laughed, but with little humour.

"I feel real bad about this."

"Don't. It is probably for the best. Does she know about you?"

"Yeah, unlike you, she didn't guess. She has two young kids, and walked out of an abusive relationship a couple of years ago. She runs a small guest house, so I was up front as soon as I realised we had feelings for each other."

"What was her reaction?"

"She didn't believe me at first. That was nice. Then she had a day or two to think about it. She saw I had a girl friend, you, and thought that I seemed perfectly normal. She asked if we could go real slow."

"How old is she?"

"Twenty seven."

"Paul, go for it. You need her and she needs you more than I do. I still love you, but all good things come to an end. I just would value your friendship?"

"You got that. Now I feel even worse, you are being wonderful over this. I was really dreading it."

"I'll clear my stuff out of your cottage. I'll leave the key on the hall table. Paul, thanks for everything."

"Honey, you make me want to come and make you change our minds." he said.

"No, go to her. Become that father you always wanted to be. I could never give you children, and we know that is something you've always wanted." I said, and found that tears were in my eyes.

"Josie, I'll always be there for you, as a friend. You know that?"

"I know, and me too, for you."

We hung up, and I sat, looking at the phone. I had wondered when, if and how it would end, and now I knew.

"Jo, are you okay?" Stewart asked, looking worried.

I nodded, I didn't trust myself to speak.

"Do I gather you've just split with Paul?" he asked.

I nodded, and he could see my tears now.

He moved and sat next to me, and put his arm around my shoulders.

"Is it..."

I put my hand up to interrupt him.

"Shh, I don't want to talk about it for a bit, okay?"

"Okay. Sorry," he said, and just held me. I finished my coffee, and looked out the window. A chunk of my life just finished, and I didn't know what was round the corner.

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