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SIR GUY THE GAY

By Tanya Allan

In days of old, when knights were bold,
In a kingdom, far, far away.
There lived a knight with a heart of gold,
Who, I have to say, was gay.

The Knight was known by all as Guy,
And big and strong was he,
Bronzed and broad, over six feet high,
He was a fine sight to see.

Now Guy was sensitive and smart,
As well as strong and brave,
He knew he always looked the part,
So to maidens he would wave.

But deep inside his lonely soul,
He knew he wasn't straight,
For in his heart was an empty hole,
As he sought to find a mate.

Now countless maidens threw their hearts,
Figuratively at his feet.
He always smiled. Like Cupid's darts,
Their eyes, he couldn't meet.

One day he rode away from home,
And left them all behind.
Destined the wider world to roam,
His one true love to find.

His secret he began to hate,
For it wasn't right,
He chose to become celibate
Then men he needn't fight.

Thus, as he wandered, far and wide,
He fought for many kings.
Nasty villains at his hand died,
Like dragons and such things.

Now at this time, in a small vale,
A dragon did reside.
His very presence made men wail,
As they tried to hide.

They made a deal with this foul beast,
To keep them safe and sound,
Once a year they served him a feast
Of virgin, fair and round!

But as time passed, the wily girls
Their hymens they did tear,
So in the end there wasn't one
Who qualified as fair.

The mob seized the miller's girl,
And tied her to the pole,
But Dragon took one sniff at her,
And knew she wasn't whole.

The dragon gave a fearful moan,
And set off for the town,
Now pissed this dragon was, I own,
As he could burn it down.

So in a thrice, they made a plan,
And went to see the baker
His child was actually a man,
Into a girl they'd make 'her'.

Young Tuck was fair, and slight and small,
And a pretty youth was he.
He'd never had a girl at all,
He was a virgin, you see!

They stripped his clothes right off his back,
And dressed him as a bint.
But swelling breasts they saw him lack,
They stuffed his bra with lint.

With a golden dress and long fair hair,
They led him down the street.
They brought him to the dragon's lair,
And buggered off, toute suite.

The dragon sniffed the helpless lad,
Tied firmly to the stake,
And couldn't smell that he'd been had,
- The lass was really fake.

I have to say he looked the part,
So terrified was he,
His new shape was a work of art,
He looked just like a she.

Beast licked his lips, and drooled a lot,
And prepared to take a bite
Of poor young Tuck's pert little bot.
Tuck screamed with all his might!

Now as it happened, just right then,
A rider happened by,
'twas Guy the gay, near dragon's den,
Who heard the scream so nigh.

He rode up on his large white mare,
With pointy lance and axe,
He only saw a maid so fair,
In threat of dragon's snack.

The fight was long and very fierce,
The man went on his back.
He struck upwards, the heart to pierce;
He had a certain knack.

The sword went in the dragon's heart,
It let out a dreadful cry,
And broke wind with a mighty fart,
Then it collapsed to die.

The Knight unto his feet did make,
And looked towards the maid,
Still even he could see no fake,
So no interest in her, he paid.

Now young Tuck was deeply troubled,
As he watched this knight,
For his troubles were now doubled,
Because his head was light.

The man so tall, and brave and strong,
Sent Tuck's senses whirring.
He felt some stuff he feared was wrong,
As down-below was stirring.

With one big blow, the cords were cut,
And Tuck was free again,
With trembling voice he thanked the man,
Whose face grimaced with pain.

With tender touch, Tuck bound his cuts,
And soothed his fevered brow,
And at that point Tuck spilled his guts
So the truth the knight knew now.

As Tuck's blue eyes were downward cast,
In shame and sinful thought,
Sir Guy knew love at long, long last,
A mate he'd so long sought.

With trembling hand, he stroked Tuck's hair
And raised his chin to see
That all he felt was reflected there,
And more besides so free.

The pair rode off from that dark place,
Not back towards the town,
As there no future they could face
With locals who would frown.

They found a place some way away
And settled there a while
A herbalist came past one day,
And made the couple smile.

For he prescribed some ancient mix,
That Tuck took twice a day.
The curse of being so butch was fixed
And there's not much more to say.

The couple married, settled down,
And were much loved, I'm told.
They so impressed the local town,
They loved the knight, so bold.

One day after a travelling fair
Moved off for pastures new,
The gypsies left a pretty pair
Of babes, not one but two!

Now knowing that the lady fair
Had never had a child,
They thought she might adopt the pair
As her manner was so mild.

Trudy cried with much emotion,
Her joy was now complete,
A husband, home and now children
For a lad, it was some feat.

And here I end this happy tale,
Of love and age old sin.
It matters not if you be male,
But whether you fit right in!

© Tanya Allen

7 November 2004