УRough WatersФ

A Gaby FanFic

by PB

Thanks go out to the various fanfic authors and Maddy Bell, herself, for creating this Сuniverse' and providing the inspiration. Whether you realize it or not, there's a part of each of you, in this work.

I also wish to dedicate this work to Karen J, Jillian and Angharad Ц three lovely people without who's prodding, this or any other of my writings would have never appeared, as well as Saphira, Sidonie and Meri who acted as my technical advisors to everything German.

Е And to all who read this, I hope you enjoy it as much as it was for me to continue the Journey.

This is the last installment of УRough WatersФ, but the saga continues with УReconciliationФ.

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone...

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you?
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

(Air Supply Ц partial lyrics from СAll Out Of Love')

PB

Warsop, late June, 2008Е.

Knock, knock, knock Е УIt's open!Ф Miss Cowlishaw called out without looking up from her paper-covered desk.

УExcuse me, Miss Cowlishaw?Ф Maddy asked as she stood in the doorway of Fran's office.

УMaddy! Е Come in! Е How are you?Ф

УUmm, ok I guess Е may I have a moment of your time Е Miss?Ф Maddy sheepishly asked.

Casting a serious glance at her visitor, Fran calmly replied, УMiss? Е Where did that come from, Maddy? Privately we've been on a first name basis since Virginia. Now that you're an upper sixth, a young adult and as far as I'm concerned Е a friend Е I don't think it'll upset anyone if you openly address me by my given name ... right?Ф

УYes, Mi Е erЕ Fran Е sorry ... bad habits an' all that,Ф Maddy quietly replied with a smile.

УWell, c'mon in and sit down.Ф Fran cheerfully beckoned. Sensing Maddy's nervousness, Fran calmly continued in a soft soothing tone, УSince you're not one of my students, this can't be about school so I assume it's personal?Ф

УYes,Ф Maddy whispered. УI felt that since you already had a good grasp of the background IЕФ Fran put two fingers to Maddy's lips, interrupting her sentence.

УI think I know what you're going to say. We can talk here or if you're finished for the day, we can go somewhere quiet. Personally, I'd think it'd be better to get out of here, so what do you say? Wait a few minutes for me to pack up then we can find someplace quiet Е I'll even spring for a cuppa Е ok?Ф Fran quietly suggested knowing full well that if they stayed in her office, she'd probably be interrupted.

Some time later they were seated in a nearby pub with their teas. After the waitress had left, leaving them alone, Fran looked across the small table and in a soft voice asked, УOk, Maddy Е what's on your mind?Ф

УI guess the best way to do this is to just say it.Ф As she stared into Fran's eyes, Maddy quietly but boldly stated, УI'm a lesbian and Е I'm very much in love Е with Gaby Bond ... ( sigh ) there Е I've said it!Ф

УOh?Ф Fran intoned as a wide grin formed across her face. Despite what Maddy thought, Fran felt a surge of joy and relief come over her when she heard Maddy's words.

When Maddy saw Fran's reaction, she got a very different impression. Maddy's own expression was a mix of pain and embarrassment as she started to rise from the table.

УI come to you for advice and you seem to treat it as if the whole thing is a bloody joke!Ф Maddy's voice was livid as she hissed her response to Fran.

УMaddy, please!Ф Fran quietly pleaded as she reached out and took Mad's hand as she started to stand up and leave the table.

УStay Е please? Е I'm sorry Е I didn't mean for it to come across as it did Е please? It's just that I've waited a long time to hear you say those words Е that's all.Ф A somewhat surprised Maddy slowly sat back down as Fran gently squeezed her hand. Once Mad had sat back down and visibly calmed, Fran released her hold on Maddy's hand.

УSorry Е I over reacted Е I just felt I had to tell someone before Еan' I wasn't expecting a reaction likeЕФ Maddy's voice trailed off to an inaudible whisper.

(sigh) УI just thought Е if I told someone Е then someone else would finally know and Е I wouldn't be able to hide it any longer ... from anybody Е especially myself,Ф Maddy softly confided.

Both women knew the significance of Maddy's statement. This was the first time Maddy had plainly declared to herself or to anybody, her sexual orientation and her true feelings for Gaby.

For the next half hour, Maddy quietly told Fran of the past four agonizing years Ц her fears of admitting she was a lesbian; her long fought inner battle; and how her feelings for Gaby, strong to begin with, had in Gaby's absence, intensified to the point where it was impossible for Maddy to even try to ignore them. Fran for her part listened intently and offered her advice when asked.

УI guess my next step is to try to find a way to tell Mum and Dad.Ф

УYou will have to do that at some point, but wouldn't it be more important to tell Gaby first?Ф Fran softly replied with a knowing smile. Unknown to Maddy, Fran had talked to Carol a couple of times whenever Gaby had shared Fran's emails.

УAfter what I put her through Е I want Е ( sigh ) Е I just think Е I have to tell her in person,Ф Mad slowly and deliberately admitted.

УThat's if she'll even listen to me!Ф Maddy's cynical tone reflected the fear that she had pushed Gaby away and that it was too late.

УMaddy Е dear Е don't think like that Е I'm sure everything will work out,Ф Fran offered in a calm, reassuring voice.

УI'm sorry Fran Е I know I should think positively.Ф Maddy calmly replied.

УI couldn't deny my feelings any longer Е I needed someone Е and you're the only person I felt I could talk to Е outside the family,У Maddy said apologetically. Fran reached across the table taking Maddy's hands in her own and gave them a reassuring squeeze.

УI could see by your face how hard it was for you to even talk about it ... but you took that all-important first step ... admitting it to yourself.Ф Fran wished she could gather Maddy in a tight embrace and just hold her.

УActually, Maddy Е I think you've already helped yourself.Ф Fran confidently added.

УHow?Ф

УBy talking to me Е telling me your deepest feelings Е refusing to keep things bottled up any longer.Ф Studying Maddy's face, Fran briefly paused and then added, УNow I've a question for you Е how do you feel Е really feel Е right at this moment?Ф

Maddy looked across the table at Fran, her eyes getting that glazed look, so common before the tears start flowing.

УScared Е and nervous Е of what comes next Е but in a strange way, I feel very calm,Ф Maddy quietly admitted.

УI can't imagine how hard these past four years have been for you Е but I know that now you've taken that first and hardest step Е the rest will be easy by comparison.Ф As Fran spoke, she could see Maddy trying to hold back her tears.

УMaddy Е Since the beginning of the Sherwood Foresters, you two have held a special place in my heart and I like to think I've come to know you two even better over the years.Ф As Fran quietly spoke, she could see the tears forming in Maddy's eyes.

Reaching across the table, Fran again took Maddy's hands in her own and gave them a tight squeeze as she continued softly talking to her friend.

УLook Е I've emailed her over the last few years and I know she still feels very strongly about you. I'm certain that she'll do more than just listen to you Е give the two of you a proper chance Е give yourself a chance.Ф As she spoke, Fran reached up and gently brushed away a tear as it slid down Maddy's cheek.

After sitting in silence for several minutes to let Maddy compose herself, Fran finally suggested it was time they should be heading out.

УWhere do I go from here?Ф Maddy whispered as she looked at Fran with pleading eyes.

УFrom what you've already told me, you have a pretty good idea. Just let your heart guide you Е it'll tell you how to find Gaby Е C'mon, I'll drive you home.Ф

The drive to the Peter's was subdued as Maddy thought about what Fran said. As she was getting out of the car, Miss C. leaned over, УRemember Maddy, if you need to talk Е anytime Е please call me Е you have both my mobile and home numbers.Ф

УThanks again, Fran. I just may do thatЕ you've certainly given me something to think about.Ф After leaning over the centre console and giving Fran a hug, Maddy got out of the car, gently closed the door and went into the house.

УAnd where have you been, young lady Е school let out over two hours ago Е I was getting very worried.Ф Carol asked. Maddy silently took her mum's hand and led her into the lounge where they both took a seat beside each other on the couch.

УYou ok, darling?Ф Carol asked, now quite concerned by her daughter's behaviour.

The last thing Maddy wanted to do was play Сtwenty questions'. Ignoring her feelings, she tried to remain calm as she quietly explained her whereabouts to her mum.

УI'm sorry Mum Е I should've called Е Fran Е Miss Cowlishaw Е I Е( sigh ) Е I just had some things I needed to discuss with Fran, so we went and had a tea while we talked. She just dropped me off now Е ok?Ф

Maddy didn't feel like discussing their Сtalk', so before Carol could say anything Maddy added,

УI need to think about a few thingsЕ ok, Mum? Е Please?Ф

Maddy knew her mum wanted to know what was said and she also knew she was asking a lot of her, but in the end Mad hoped her mum would understand and give her some space. Carol responded by gently squeezing her daughter's hand.

УTell me when you're ready, darling.Ф Carol whispered as she got up off the couch and started to walk out to the kitchen to finish preparing diner.

For the rest of the evening Maddy was quieter than usual and neither Carol or John pressed her for details.

That night Maddy found it hard to get to sleep. She repeatedly rolled over and looked at the digital readout on the clock radio on her night table. Her mind was in a constant state of turmoil and she only had one thing on her mind Ц her Gaby!

Maddy was now wide awake, her face damp from crying. As she wiped a tear from her cheek, her hand slid onto a wet pillow and she realised that not only had she been crying, she'd been crying a lot. When she rolled over, she discovered her hair was stuck to her cheeks and forehead, and the back of her nightdress stuck to her skin more like a diver's wetsuit than a silk nightdress.

She looked at the time and saw it was 3:00 AM. Mad recalled the last time she looked at the clock it was just after 1:30 AM. She concluded that sometime during that hour and a half of sleep she must've had one vivid nightmare. Unfortunately, she couldn't recall a thing. Whatever happened, Maddy decided the only thing left to do was to get up and take a shower, reasoning that she'd feel better.

Instead, when she got under the water, she found thoughts of her Gaby returned, quickly followed by strong feelings of remorse for the last four years. These thoughts were quickly joined by an overwhelming and an all too real fear of rejection by Gaby. Maddy's tears were hidden by the cascading water and her sobs muffled by the sound of the water hitting the shower curtain. УWill she ever forgive me? Е Have I pushed her too far? Е What will I do if she turns away from me?Ф

Maddy was still shaken by her thoughts while she dried off. She wrapped her hair in a towel turban and quietly found her way back into her room where she changed into a clean nightdress then proceeded to tidy up her room while her hair dried.

After awhile Maddy returned to her bed and sat on the edge of her mattress, near her night table. She stared at the drawer handle for several minutes, then quietly pulled it open and took out a framed picture of Gaby taken last Christmas Ц at least the 2007 edition of the Bond family photo was from last Christmas. Maddy scanned Gaby and printed out her own portrait.

Mad felt a calming effect as she stared at the portrait held in her lap. A couple of stray tears fell onto the glass covering the photo and she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She paused to wipe the tears off the glass, using her nightdress then turned off the lamp and holding the photo tightly against her breasts, walked to her window Ц the same window where she had watched Gaby leave, so long ago.

She pulled the curtains open, initially leaving the sheers closed but in the end, she opened those as well. Bathed in the glow of the street lamp across the road, she stood perfectly still, clutching Gaby's photo against her chest, looking out into the night and yet, seeing nothing.

Just like the day she stood at the window watching Gaby leave, Maddy's whole body shook with very heavy, quiet sobs and her face quickly became soaked with her tears as she pulled Gaby's photo as tight as she dared against her chest. УGaby? Е I'm sorry Е so very sorry Е let me be part of your life again Е take me back Е please? Е I love you! ... I love you, darlingЕФ

How long she remained staring out the window, she could only guess. When she did manage to focus on her surroundings, it was a sunny June morning. Glancing at her clock, she saw it was almost 6:00 AM. She didn't feel tired considering she was up most of the night, but she did feel an immense and very painful emptiness in her heart; one she knew she had to fill.

Maddy turned away from the window and walked to her mirror. After removing the turban and examining her appearance, she decided she needed to take another shower and this time, actually wash her hair. Turning back to her nightstand, Mad lovingly kissed Gaby's photo before carefully replacing it back in the drawer. УSoon, darling Е I promise.Ф

Fran said that informing her parents had to be done and to that end, Maddy resolved to tell the Сrents' today before she lost her nerve but that determination didn't resolve the Сhow' or make her less scared over how they would react to waking up and finding they have a lesbian for a daughter.

Ironically, she recalled Drew said he always found comfort listening to the words of the Beatle's СLet It Be' whenever he was troubled. Now she wished she had a copy of the song to listen to. Instead, she climbed into a shower and again, quietly cried for her Gaby.

Later that morning, Carol answered the front door and cheerfully greeted Maddy's long-time friend. УMorning, Ally. What're you doing up so early on a Saturday?Ф

УHi, Mrs. P Е is Maddy around?Ф Ally greeted Carol.

Looking over Ally's shoulder as she walked through the door, Carol asked, УHome for the summer? I see your father lent you the car.Ф

УI've got a summer job with Dad's firm Е start on Monday. Thought I'd run into Sheffield and check out that new extension they put on the mall. Just wondered if Maddy would like to come with me,Ф Ally explained.

УShe probably will Е you know her and shopping. I think she's up in her room Е go on up and ask her,Ф Carol offered.

As Ally started to walk past Carol, Carol reached out and stopped her, УAlly? Е You've known Maddy for a long time; can I ask you a question before you go up?Ф

Carol motioned for Ally to join her at the kitchen table and in a lowered voice, she calmly stated, УI don't know quite how to put this Е but ... it seems ever since you kids returned from the States Е well Е remember Gaby's 14 th birthday?Ф

УOnly too well. Why?Ф Ally replied in an equally quiet voice.

УYesterday after school, she and Miss Cowlishaw talked Ц exactly about what she hasn't said and I promised we'd let her tell us on her own time. However, a mother's intuition tells me that talk had everything to do with her and Gaby.Ф

Pausing to collect her thoughts, Carol continued, УThis morning at breakfast, she was clearly bothered Е and she still won't talk to us about it. This whole thing is consuming her and I'm becoming terrified that if it goes on, she may snap Е I honestly don't know if I can keep my promise to let her resolve this on her own, much longer, Ally.Ф

Ally suggested, УMaybe she'd open for me Е would you like me to try to talk to her?Ф

УIf you wouldn't mind,Ф Carol replied as Ally nodded.

As Ally started to get up from the table, Carol asked, УI know you're still in touch with Gaby Е how does she feel? I mean Jenny and I talk and I've even talked with Gaby a couple of times, but I thought Gaby might be a bit more open with you Е if you know what I mean.Ф

УIn her heart, she's never let Maddy go and she's kept holding out hope that deep down Mad feels the same about her,Ф Ally allowed before quickly making her way up the stairs and along the hallway to Maddy's room.

УHi Mad, your mum said I'd find you here. Whatcha doing?Ф Ally greeted Maddy as she entered Mad's room. Maddy jumped when she heard a voice but relaxed when she saw it was Ally.

УThinking about some things a very good friend told me Е an' looking at these,Ф Maddy thoughtfully replied.

УHey! Е I've never seen those,Ф remarked Ally as she walked over to Maddy's computer where Maddy was viewing a CD-ROM. УVirginia Е right?Ф

УI found this CD buried in my drawer a while ago. They're the photos Drew and I took on the exchange trip.Ф Maddy explained.

УI remember Fran initially wanted us to put them up on the school's page as a photo journal once we got back. After Gabs and I put this CD together, we ended up taking it to Miss C telling her of our concerns. She returned the CD to me following cheer practice, later that day, after she viewed the photos,Ф Maddy casually added.

УWhy didn't you? Е Put them up, I mean?Ф Ally thought it interesting that Maddy even kept the CD after Gaby left.

УLook closely.Ф Maddy slowly advanced the slide show. УYou see Drew or Rhod?Ф

УUmmm, nope Е lots of Gaby & Em though.Ф

УThat was the problem. The other kids knew Drew and Rhod went on the trip Е so Miss C agreed with us that they never be put on the page.Ф

УLook Е these are my favorites,Ф Maddy cheerfully declared as she searched the contents of the CD.

УOne weekend, Gabs and I switched places thinking we could fool our hosts, but Jessica discovered our plans. She let Gaby stay with her anyway and took these with Gaby's camera.Ф

The first one was of a very happy-looking Gaby riding a horse in the fresh deep snow that covered the fields out behind Jessica's house Ц Gabs' hair and powdered snow flying everywhere.

УI never knew Miss B had horses!Ф Ally exclaimed.

УYeah, she had two. The stables were in a shed out back of the house,Ф Maddy explained.

УYou get to ride them?Ф Ally asked.

УOnce Е I was more suited to a stable-hand than a rider, if you know what I mean,Ф Mad confessed.

УThought Gaby had a fear of horses,Ф Ally pointed out.

УShe did until Miss Bell ЕФ Maddy agreed.

УNever realized how long her hair was even then Е Hey! Е What's that in her hair?Ф Ally asked as she pointed at the monitor screen.

УIt's a feather Е I quite like it on her Е don't you? I remember Jessica was into Indians but we never really talked about it Е apparently not like Gaby did,Ф Mad replied with some remorse.

УThat must be the same one I saw her wearing before she moved,Ф Ally commented.

УYou saw her wearing it? Е How did sheЕФ Maddy excitedly asked before catching herself mid-sentence.

УLook?Ф Ally completed Mad's thought. УI think I told her it looked Сsexy' Е She said Jessica gave her a bunch of Indian stuff for her birthday.Ф

Ally noticed Maddy's expression cloud over as she recalled Сthe present'. For Maddy, it was as if any reason for happiness had just been snatched from her.

УI never really noticed how pretty she was back then but that picture really captured her, didn't it?Ф Ally rhetorically asked.

УShe is beautiful, isn't she?Ф Maddy whispered under her breath. As softly as Maddy said it, the fact that Mad's comment was made in the present tense didn't escape Ally's ears.

УLet's see the others you said were your fav's.Ф Ally encouraged. Maddy sighed as she removed that photo from the screen and searched the CD for the others.

She brought up another shot of Gaby at Miss Bell's. This time it was of Gaby brushing her horse after the ride. Maddy then called up a third shot. This one had Gaby sitting on the corral fence, feeding an apple to her horse.

УJessica took these at the cheer competition, again with Gaby's camera,Ф Maddy pointed out as she showed Ally several more photos.

The first one was with all the girls standing around in their long dresses before going in front of the judges. The next three-photo sequence was of the girls going through their cheer performance. The last one was with Gaby doing the splits in front of the team.

After removing that photo from the screen, Maddy absent-mindedly returned to the first photo she showed Ally of Gaby at Jessica's.

Ally noticed Maddy's eyes start to get moist while she sat and stared at the photo.

УMad?Ф

Maddy seemed to become preoccupied in her own thoughts, as she contemplated the screen. Ally gently took Mad's hand away from the mouse and closed the screen. By the time Ally had powered down, the first tears started to run down Maddy's face.

УMad? It's me, Ally Е we've known each other for Е like Е a lifetime, so talk to me Е please? What's bothering you?Е Mad? It's Gaby Е isn't it?Ф Ally softly asked as Maddy turned her

tear-streaked face towards her friend.

У( sob )Е I'm never going to see her again, am I?Ф

УYou want to?Ф

УYes! Е ( sob ) Е more than anything! Е I was wrong Е ( sniff ) so terribly Е wrongЕФ Maddy's tearful voice faded to a barely audible whisper.

Ally took Maddy's hand and helped her out of the chair. As Maddy faced her friend, she was fighting back the flood of tears. Ally instinctively embraced her in a tight hug.

УLet it out, Mad Е just let it all out Е I'm here,Ф Ally softly told her friend.

Ally soon felt Maddy's body heave with every heavy sob. As she closed her eyes and laid her head upon Ally's shoulder, Ally felt her tears soaking through the fabric of her top. It was all she could do to offer comfort and try to get Mad to open up rather than keep her feelings bottled up. After holding and gently rocking Maddy for a while, Ally felt Mad finally start to relax in her arms as exhaustion started to overtake her.

Several minutes later, she heard Maddy whisper, УIf I could only undoЕ.Ф

Upon hearing Maddy's plea, Ally whispered, УWhy don't you just asЕФ Before Ally could complete her thought, Mad had her lips pressed tightly against Ally's.

УMmmmm,Ф Maddy moaned as she tightened her embrace. She was running her hand over Ally's back and obviously enjoying the kiss. When her hand cupped one of Ally's breasts, Mad abruptly awoke from her dream.

УOh my God! Е I'm sorry Ally Е I Е I,Ф Maddy was very embarrassed as she pushed Ally away. УI don't know what I was thinking Е forgive meЕ.Ф

УMaddy! Е It's ok Е it's ok,Ф Ally attempted to calm Maddy.

УYou don't understand, Ally Е I Е I was just kissing you! Е an' Е I Е started,Ф Maddy voiced in a panicked whisper.

In a quiet voice, Ally quickly asked, УIt was Gaby you were kissing Е wasn't it?Ф

Maddy slowly nodded as she cast her eyes down towards the floor. Ally wrapped her arms tightly around her friend and held her for several minutes. After her embarrassing moment with Ally, Maddy was initially hesitant but eventually returned the embrace as tears began to make their way down her face.

Ally then took Mad by the hand and slowly walked her over to her bed where they both sat down on the edge.

УI had a long talk with Fran yesterday Е I told her that I'm in love with Gaby Е seeing the pictures today Е an' you holding me Е suddenly I was with her again Е I just Е I'm sorry, Ally.Ф Maddy tearfully tried to apologize for her actions.

УSh-h-h-h.Ф Ally whispered as she put her right hand up against Maddy's lips. Ally noticed Mad's face was still a deep shade of red.

УYou won't tell Mum?Ф Maddy quickly added.

УAbout the kiss?Ф Ally asked.

УThat and the bit about me squeezing ...Ф Maddy's voice trailed off still embarrassed about the incident.

УAh Е yeah ... that Е never happened,Ф Ally cheerfully reassured Maddy.

УAs for that kiss Е let's just say if those are the kinds of kisses Gaby can expect Е I'm jealous Е and leave it at that Е shall we?Ф Ally noticed a bit of a smile cross Maddy's flushed face.

Ally gently squeezed Maddy's hand as she softly observed, УJudging from that kiss, you've just shown me how much you did love Е and still do love Gaby Е right?Ф Maddy's gaze shifted to the floor as another tear crept down her face.

УThen what in God's name made you ever push her away? She literally loved you more than life itself Е what were you afraid of? Were you that afraid of how others would feel about you if they knew you had feelings for another girl?Ф

УAfter seeing some of the other kids in Grottoes Е yes!Ф Maddy spit out her reply as she threw herself back on her bed and started to cry into her pillow.

УYou know you really could've let her know you were sorry and told her how you felt, before she moved. Instead you decided to deny everything, putting both of you through all of this pain and letting her believe you had no feelings for her these last few years. Why? Warsop isn't Grottoes, ya know.Ф Ally quietly chastised Maddy as she leaned back and stroked Maddy's hair.

УYou think I didn't Е ( sniff ) want to let her know? Е You Е ( sniff ) think I didn't try to call her? Е She won't Е ( sniff ) return any of my Е ( sniff ) calls! Е I Е ( sob ) I bloody well tried Е for the la Е( sniff ) st Е ( sniff ) last year, I tried! У Maddy countered as she briefly turned towards Ally before returning her gaze to her pillow.

УЕI really triedЕ.Ф She whispered before once again, burying her face in her pillow amid heavy sobs.

Ally, thinking of all her emails and visits with Gaby quietly added, УShe's got a whole new life, now Е an' new friends Е friends who know about her Е but do you really think that's made it any easier on her these past few years?Ф

Maddy looked up at Ally through wet eyes and shrugged her shoulders, prompting Ally to continue in a soft, soothing voice. УI know how badly you hurt her Е how deep those cuts still are Е and how much she still loves you despite that Е I also know how much she hopes you still love her Е Mad? Е She wants you as much as you want her.Ф

УI've really Е ( sob ) messed things up Е ( sob ) haven't I?Ф Maddy asked, the pain evident in her voice, as the tears continued to run down her face.

УI was ( sniff ) Е trying to figure out how to tell Gaby when you ( sniff ) Е came,Ф Maddy admitted.

Ally tried to sound confident as she suggested, УIf we take things one step at a time, I'm certain we can fix everything.Ф A brief silence ensued.

УWhy not ask your mum to phone Gaby's mum and have her get Gabs on the phone Е that way Gabs will think she's going to talk to your mum,Ф Ally suggested.

Maddy sat up, wiping away tears as she went. УYou Е ( sniff ) Е think it'll work?Ф

УCan't hurt,Ф Ally replied.

УAunt Jenny will just say Gaby's not available but Е ( sniff ) Е she'd tell her to call Е like they always Е ( sniff ) do,Ф Maddy countered.

УI doubt your Aunt will do that to me,Ф Carol sternly interjected as she entered the room.

УMum! Е How Е ( sniff ) long have you been out there?Ф Maddy was shocked at her mother's appearance.

УSince you thought Ally was Gaby,Ф Carol smugly admitted.

УYou heard it all then? ( sniff ) Е I was trying to think of how to tell you Е honest! Е You're not Е ( sniff ) upset?Ф Maddy got off the bed and stood up as her mum walked towards her.

УWhy? Because you prefer girls? Specifically Е Gaby? Е We already knew that! Е Besides, it's life Е it's who you are, sweetheart. You're our daughter and both your dad and I love you, no matter Е Please Е always remember that,Ф Carol softly replied as she embraced her tear-stricken daughter. She continued to speak as Maddy slowly sat back down on the edge of her bed.

УYour dad and I suspected it was Gaby you really fancied, for quite some time - ever since you started finding more and more reasons to have Gaby around. It didn't help that after she moved away you always seemed to get moody whenever something reminded you of her,Ф Carol softly added as she sat down beside her daughter.

Carol added, УI think we're really more upset over how you treated her since that American trip. We all felt Ц that is your dad and I, your aunt, uncle, Jules and most importantly Е Gaby Е that you'd have to sort this out for yourself ... and we all hoped that one day you'd finally listen to that heart of yours.Ф Weeping softly, Maddy leaned into her mother's arms.

УBesides, you didn't think I noticed that your aunt's Christmas cards always went missing? Е It was her idea to put the family photo on the cards Е she thought you might like a picture or twoЕФ Carol smugly admitted to her daughter.

Maddy released her hold on her mum and reached into the drawer of her night table. She pulled out Gaby's photo and handed it to her mum. Carol recognized it as being from the most recent of Jenny's cards.

УShe's beautiful in this photo, isn't she?Ф Carol softly asked no one in particular.

УUh-huh.Ф Maddy's reply was almost inaudible. Once again the tears came as Maddy embraced her mother.

"You know, you two still look very much alike," Carol softly told her. "I can't help but notice you've even had Sylv cut your hair like Gaby's.Ф Maddy nuzzled into her mother even more, in response.

УNot quite as long as hers, but Е both of you look good with long hair ... I quite like it."

(sniff) УReally?Ф a tearful Maddy asked.

УYes Е I really do like your hair like that,Ф Carol whispered.

УYou think Gaby would like it?Ф

УWhen she sees you, she won't be able to take her eyes off of you,Ф Carol quietly reassured her daughter.

УMum? Е When you saw her Е does she hate me?Ф Maddy, with tear-filled eyes, quietly asked as she looked up into her mother's face.

Carol returned Maddy's gaze, fighting both her own tears and the lump in her throat, whispered, УNo, darling Е she doesn't Е just the opposite.Ф

Maddy broke down in her mother's arms and Carol found herself silently shedding tears with her daughter. Ally stood quietly by, tissues at the ready as mother-daughter held each other - all the time fighting back her own tears. She was seeing in Maddy's struggles, a little something of herself and her own confused feelings about Em.

УYou want me to call your Aunt Jenny and see if she'd put Gaby on the phone for me?Ф Carol asked after she regained her composure. Maddy nodded and squeezed her mother tighter. As Carol got up off the bed and left the room, Ally gently took Maddy's hand.

УSorry Mad,Ф Ally whispered. УMaybe it's a good thing it worked out like it did Е Maybe deep down you finally wanted us to know how you really felt Е an' you just needed a little shove from some people who care about you ... It wasn't a secret, Mad ... we all knew, but like your mum said Е you still had to tell us.Ф Maddy, still softly weeping, leaned into Ally's shoulder.

УThank you ( sniff ) Е I wanted to tell Mum, but I didn't know how.Ф Maddy gave Ally's hand a squeeze. УEveryone knew? Even the kids at school?Ф

УThe gang and the kids that knew about you and Drew definitely did.Ф Ally replied.

УOh, shit! They must've had fun talking behind my backЕ Сspecially ( sniff ) when I didn't advance ... they could talk about me all ( sniff ) they wanted.Ф Maddy bolted upright as panic started to grip her.

УNo! Е If it bothered people that you were a lesbian, they would've let you know Е believe me! Besides, I told you Е Warsop is not Grottoes!Ф Ally scooped Mad into her arms and gave her a reassuring hug.

СSo Е feel better now that you've told your Mum?Ф a concerned Ally asked.

УYeah, I do ... Ally? You had Е ( sniff ) every right to walk away from me at Gaby's party an' stay away, like everyone Е ( sniff ) Е but you didn't. Thank you for Е ( sniff ) staying,Ф Maddy softly replied as a tear rolled down her cheek.

УI'm just glad I was here to see you exorcise your demon.Ф

УHuh?Ф

УNever, mind Е it's nice to have friends back again,Ф Ally cheerfully replied then softly added, УMad? Е You never did answer my question Е why?Ф

УWhy?Ф

УYeah Е why did you put Gaby and yourself through all of this?Ф

УI dunno Е I really don't. I Е ( sniff ).Ф Maddy paused as if in deep thought.

УI guess I was scared for both of us. Remember when we arrived in Grottoes, Jessica told us that for Rhod and Drew's safety, we should all act like girl friends?Ф Maddy asked, emphasizing УDrew's safetyФ.

УWe both heard the stories of intolerance and the kind of talk coming out of some of the kids Е an' we had to hear that for six weeks! Е Gaby didn't Сcuz everyone knew she was a lesbian an' no one talked to her Е I hate myself every time I think of it Е but we even started thinking like those kids Е towards Gaby Е just to fit in Е never mind that we were hurting a close and dear friend.Ф Maddy's voice was becoming weaker, yet more bitter as she spoke.

УDamn it, Ally! Е We both know that Em was attacked by those boys Е what would've happened if they'd discovered Rhod under that skirt?Ф Maddy asked; her voice strong and forceful.

УThat Е terrified me! Е ( sniff ). I never told Jessica or anybody Е but I had nightmares Е ( sniff ) bad ones Е sometimes with Gaby being attacked ... ( sniff ) sometimes the two of us were attacked Е an' ( sob ) every time Е I Е( hic ) Е I was the one to find Gaby's bloodied body ( sob ).Ф Maddy revealed as she clutched Ally tightly.

( sniff ) УDespite what the other kids said, the more I saw of Gaby in Virginia, the more I realised that I loved her Е I mean Е really loved Е her Е an' the more I admitted that to myself, the more real those nightmares seemed.Ф ( sniff ) The tears had started to flow but Maddy kept talking.

УThey kept telling us it was wrong Е they even had me believing it was wrong Е girls can't love another girl Е ( sob ) an' yet, I didЕФ Ally tried to calm her friend by holding her tightly and reassuring her that everything is alright as Maddy again broke down with the memories.

Finally calmed down somewhat, Maddy continued, УWhen we returned home, I was scared Е ( sob ) Е scared to tell anybody my feelings Е Mum an' Dad Е Gaby Е her family Е the gang Е everybody! Besides Е how do you tell your boyfriend you really prefer him as a girl? ( sniff ) I thought the best thing to do was to try to forget Gaby and make Drew forget her too.Ф

УI remember you seemed mean to Gaby during half-term, but not to Drew Е What about the party?Ф Ally quickly asked.

УI guess I was thinking ( sniff ) Е it'd make a kewel party gag Е ( sniff ) like in Grottoes Е Brit, Em and I were always trying to wind her up Е ( sob ) seemed fun at the timeЕФ

УLike Sam?Ф Ally asked.

УYeah.Ф Mad sheepishly whispered her barely audible reply as she hung her head. Several tears ran freely down her face. Ally continued to hold onto Mad while she struggled to regain her composure yet again.

( sigh ) УI figured that if Gaby's present embarrassed Drew in front of everyone, we wouldn't see Gaby again Е but when she slapped me Е I knew from her eyes Е she ( hic ) hated me for ( sniff ) what I did. ( sob ) Е an' when she told everyone that she was Gaby, I can't describe how I felt! All I know is that I've felt that slap every day for fЕ ( sniff ) four years! When she moved ( sniff ), she told me she didn't want to see or speak ( sob ) Е to me againЕФ As Maddy's tears resumed, Ally wrapped her arms around her friend and held her tightly, gently rocking, until she once again, started to calm down

УI thought if I ignored my feelings long enough, I'd forget her Е an' the hurt would fade Е but I can't deny my feelings ( sigh ) any more Е no more Е ( sniff ) I don't give a sod what others may think anymore! Е I Е ( sniff ) just Е want Еto Е( sniff ) be Е with Е (sniff ) her.Ф Maddy's voice trailed off to the point where her voice was barely above a whisper.

УAlly? Е ( sniff ) ЕDo you think Gaby will take me back after what I did?Ф Mad asked, after a short silence.

Just then Carol came back into the room. УGaby's not there ,Ф seeing an I-told-you-so-look from Maddy, Carol continued, УNo one's screening her calls, Maddy Е but I spoke with your aunt and now she wants to speak to youЕФ

УGo on, it'll be ok Е you'll see,Ф Ally encouraged as Maddy got up off the bed and started for the door.

A few moments later, Maddy picked up the phone in the lounge, УЕ( sniff ) Hello Е Aunt Jenny?Ф

After a few moments silence, Mad continued the conversation.

УYeah Е Uh huh Е I underst ( hic ) and Е Yeah Е Please tell her Е I Е( hic ) I'm sorry Е ( sob ) Е an' Aunt Jenny? Е ( sniff ),Ф feeling she's about to burst out crying, Maddy summoned all her remaining strength and blurted out, УTell her I love her ... please?Ф

Maddy once again gave in to her feelings and openly cried on the phone. Carol came back into the lounge and took the receiver from her daughter's hand and then after checking that Jenny had hung up, slowly replaced the receiver back on the phone.

As Carol sat in a nearby chair, she quietly told her daughter, УCome here, darling.Ф Maddy sat on Carol's lap and fell into her mother's warm embrace. УIt'll be ok Е I'm sure your aunt will get Gaby to call back,Ф Carol whispered as Maddy continued to cry on her shoulder.

У( sob )Е She's gone an' it's Е ( sniff ) Е all my fault.Ф

Ally had followed Maddy downstairs to the phone and had stood silently behind her, in the hall. She then walked over to where Carol and Maddy were in a tight and emotional embrace.

Ally knelt down beside Carol's chair and looked into Maddy's tear stained face. She gingerly pushed some of Mad's hair out of her face then gently rubbed her back. At the same time, she softly but confidently told her friend, УI've got a strong feeling that you and Gaby will be celebrating your 19 th birthday Е in each other's arms.Ф
УPlease, let her call Е ( sniff ) Еplease Е ( sob ),Ф Maddy quietly replied. As she closed her eyes, more tears escaped from under her lashes.
PB 01.08.07 © 2007
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