Despite the late hour, Jen was finding it nearly impossible to get to sleep. It had been long enough since her surgery that she was really starting to feel better, and was actually feeling a bit constrained still being mostly restricted to a hospital bed. While this was certainly one of the reasons for her attack of insomnia, there was one far more likely culprit.

___________________

When am I going to be given the chance to get out of here? This place is driving me nuts, frankly. I daresay, this is probably the longest I've stayed off a bike since I was a little girl, and to put it simply I don't like it. I can't sort my thoughts if I'm not riding. That's probably why I'm having so much trouble getting to sleep. I guess that's something Drew and I have in common. He seems to do his best thinking on a bike. Maybe it's a family thing.

At least it's starting to look like I might eventually get better. If Dave and the kids had told me I couldn't come home, I don't think I'd have made it this far. I was ready to give up the battle, but they gave me a reason to keep fighting, even though I probably didn't deserve the wonderful treatment I've got since I came home. Why, after everything I did to them, did my family take me back? It's a legitimate question, and one I don't really have a good answer for. Mind, I'm not complaining, because like I said, I was about ready to give up. I think without Dave, and Jules, and Drew, I'd probably have decided it wasn't worth fighting anymore. Now? Get me out of this bed! I've a couple of titles to defend, and I have to get back in shape to do so.

So just exactly what was I thinking? At the time, I wasn't sure what, if anything, I was thinking, other than I didn't want everyone to know I was sick. Silly, I know, but that's how my mind was working. I didn't want Dave and the kids worrying about me…I was afraid that if they knew what was really happening, they'd be too worried to take care of themselves. So instead, I nearly destroy everyone's lives, all in the interest of keeping a secret? Why did I think I needed to protect Dave and the kids from my cancer? Is that even what you'd call what I did? To say it was the dumbest thing I've ever done is an understatement of monumental proportions, but still doesn't even begin to touch on either the motivations, or the repercussions of my actions. Will I ever be able to make it up to them?

Oh, it started out innocently, really. I thought we'd caught it early, and after some discreet treatments I'd be cured, and no one would be the wiser. Why muck things up by spreading the news around about it, jeopardizing my career? My career? Is that what I was worried about? I almost lost Dave, alienated my friends, and hurt my children nearly beyond reconciliation. How stupid was I? And that wasn't the worst of it, to say the least. I mean, at first I hadn't actually lied to them, had I? I didn't tell them I was sick, but I hadn't made up any kind of story, either. Maybe things would have been all right if they had ended at that. But oh, no, I couldn't leave things hanging at that point, could I?

If I hadn't been so stupid in the first place, there wouldn't have been any need for the story when I didn't get better like I had thought I would. I was supposed to return home, but how could I drop a bombshell like this on my family, and then disappear for more treatments? Now I know that's exactly what I should have done, but no, I couldn't do something like that. Maybe it was all just denial at work. I know that for quite some time, I didn't want to admit even to myself how bad things could be. But really, how could I possibly believe that telling them I wasn't coming home because of an affair would be less traumatic than dealing with an illness? Talk about deluded reasoning.

Through all that the really odd thing is, I don't think Dave believed any of it. Oh, at first he sounded thoroughly ticked, as was to be expected, but for some reason, I think he started to suspect that I wasn't telling him the truth that night at the restaurant. I don't think I'll ever be able to say I'm sorry enough to make up for all of that. By the time I did come home, he knew. Not just thought I might be sick, but he knew, with absolute certainty. How does he do that? He just senses things that most people ignore. He knows when one of the kids needs a hug, or a kick in the rear, and somehow never does the wrong thing.

And through everything, he's been a rock. How on Earth can he be so…I don't know, perfect? As if he knows exactly what everyone around him needs, and provides that for them. It's enough to make me fall in love with him all over again, as if I needed a reason.

The kids are another matter, however. Drew never really gave up on me, my sweet petal. He kept at me to come home. He knew better what I should do than I did. Pity I didn't listen to him before. I know he was hurt badly by all my lies. I wish I could take them back, start over. At least he took things better than his sister.

Juliette, how will I ever make things up to you? I don't think I've ever seen anyone so thoroughly hurt by another person in my life. It broke my heart to listen to you vent your anger and confusion at me, knowing that I deserved every single thing you could think of to say. Yours is the one reaction I truly understood in all this. You were severely hurt, and didn't care to try to hide it in the least. And what did I do? Egged you on, saying and doing things that pushed you even further away from me. I wouldn't have been at all surprised if even after the truth came out, you didn't want to ever have anything to do with me again. That's what I deserved for the way I treated all of you. I had lied to each and every one of you for the most selfish and insensitive reasons imaginable, and yet with that one word, all was right once again. I really don't deserve any of you, my wonderful, perfect family.

The kids didn't want to go to America after I came home, but there was no way I was going to let them skip that opportunity. I mean, a chance to experience life in another country, to learn about it first hand. Not something they should even have contemplated passing up. I did nearly ask them to stay home with me, that morning we took them up to the school to begin the trip. I couldn't shake the feeling that it was the last time I'd ever see my children. I've tried to maintain a positive attitude, but that morning, I was more afraid of not making it than at any time since my diagnosis. I wonder if they sensed that it was worse than I'd told them? It certainly seemed like they knew, but I know I didn't tell them. Did Dave? He wouldn't have come right out and said anything to them, I'm sure, because we had both agreed on that approach with the kids, but if one of them had asked point blank? He would have confirmed their suspicions. He wouldn't have been able to bring himself to lie to them like that, of that I'm sure.

Of course, from what I've heard it hasn't all been strawberries and cream, has it? Drew being Gaby full time? I wonder what will be the outcome of that little experiment? He's so feminine, even without that kind of immersion, but this is different. How on Earth is my son Drew ever going to manage a return once they come back? He's always so upset over being mistaken for a girl it affects his overall mood, but as Gaby, that conflict should be gone. Should be, but not necessarily. Drew is in such conflict, sometimes I wonder if he even has any idea what it is he really wants? It's as if Drew and Gaby are battling for control of my child, and while most of the time, Drew appears to be winning, this experience might just push things in the other direction. I wonder what the final outcome will be? I would miss Drew, but…not that I mind Gaby. I quite like her, actually. She's far happier than Drew, much of the time. Is that how I really feel about it? Because the implication here is that I would prefer things if my son were a girl. How I hope she has a good time on the trip.

Now that I'm starting to feel a bit better, maybe it's a good time to talk to Dave about everything. I just hope he'll accept my apology after everything I've done and said.

_______________________

Sleep did finally visit Jenny, but it took much of the night to arrive, and even after nodding off, these thoughts continued to haunt her dreams.

The next morning as he entered the ward, the first thing Dave noticed was Jen, sitting up in bed eating breakfast. “You're looking much better this morning,” he said as he bent over, kissed her on the cheek, and sat beside her. “A bit tired perhaps, but…”

“Yes, I had quite a bit of trouble getting to sleep last night. My mind just didn't want to shut down, there were lots of things swirling around in there, keeping me up.”

“Understood. I assume since you are looking so much better in spite of insomnia that you might have some news?”

“I'm feeling much better. The doctor tells me I might even get out of here in a day or two.”

“Well that is good news.”

“Yes it is. So what brings you by this morning? I know you needed to go into the office for a while today, so I wasn't really expecting you until this afternoon.”

“I just wanted to check on you, see how you're feeling.”

“That's awfully sweet, luv, but really not necessary.”

“That's not really up for debate.”

“Understood. Any chance you've time for a chat. There are a lot of things I'd like to talk over with you.”

“Unfortunately, I'm already running a bit late, so beyond stopping by to say good morning and steal a kiss, I'm afraid I can't stay.”

“I expected as much. Will you be back this evening? This really is important.”

“Do you really think there's anything in this world that could keep me away?”

“No, I'm fairly certain of that point.”

“Good. Don't forget it. Now, I've got to run. Love you,” and with that, he kissed her once again, then headed out of the ward, and on his way to the mill.

As he was leaving, Jen spoke up one last time, “Later, luv,” then even before he was out of the ward, she was once again immersed in her thoughts.

________________________

I suppose it's just as well we didn't get into things this morning. I still feel a bit like my mind is in a jumble after last night. I really do need to get out on a bike for a while…clear out the cobwebs, that sort of thing. Maybe I can use the time today to sort through all my thoughts and get them organized so I don't scare the poor man witless when he comes back later? I've done far too much of that in recent months, I don't want to do it anymore.

_______________________

Meanwhile Dave, who was on his way to work, found himself thinking about everything in the world except his commute to work…

_______________________

Well, I wonder what that was all about? Maybe she's ready to tell me everything? But am I ready to hear it? That is the question indeed.

I mean, is she going to tell me that the whole boyfriend “ruse” wasn't just a fabrication after all? Dear God, I hope not. I don't think I could deal with news like that. And, I'd certainly not want to try explaining that to the kids over a transatlantic phone call. Maybe she's decided to hang up her cleats, retire from racing? I mean, what more could there be for her to prove? She won a world championship while suffering from cancer, for god's sake. She went from teaching at Warsop College to winning the Tour Feminin in just a couple of short months time. What else could she possibly want to accomplish on a bicycle?

Then again, I've never really fully understood this hyper-competitive thing she and Drew both have going. I'm the first to admit that I have goals, but those two seem forced by something deep inside themselves, pushing them to not only be the best they can be, but beyond that to be the best period. She's done that, and Drew's well on his way.

Wow, how did I get here? The last thing I remember doing was getting in the car at the hospital, and then all of a sudden I'm parked in front of the mill, ready for a busy day. I just hope I can keep my mind on my work enough to get something done today.

_______________________

While concentration on the task at hand wasn't exactly included in his skill set that day, Dave did finally manage to fumble his way through the stack of paperwork that had been piling up recently due to his absences helping Jenny get through surgery and everything the post surgical recovery had involved to that point. Once done, he poked his head into Frank's office to tell him he was heading back to the hospital, and then he was off once again.

Once back at the hospital, he went to the ward Jen had been calling ‘home' since coming out of surgery, but when he got to her bedside, she wasn't there. He looked around the ward, and then headed toward the nurse's station to ask where she was when he saw her walking down the hall toward the ward. She saw him, and he could instantly see her face light up, showing her pleasure at seeing him there.

“Good walk?” Dave asked as she started climbing back into bed.

“Very refreshing, but now I'm exhausted.”

He pulled a chair right up beside the bed, sat down, and took her hand in his, then spoke, “You're still recovering from the surgery and everything. It's going to take time to get your body back into shape.”

“I know, but patience has never been a virtue that I could count as one of my strengths.”

“Oh, I don't know about that. I've seen you be very patient when racing, trying to set up your attack and so forth.”

“I daresay that doesn't really count. That's employing a strategy.”

“I don't really buy that idea, but I won't argue the point. That would only waste our time this evening. Now then,” he said as he looked up to see the nurse as she came up to Jen's bedside to check her vital signs, “I seem to recall you having something you wanted to discuss when I came back this evening?”

“Yes,” she said in a suddenly shaky voice, followed by a few seconds of silence. “All of a sudden, I'm not sure where to begin,” even more shakily than just a moment ago.

Dave looked into her eyes, and suddenly realized just what she was trying to say to him, so he interjected, momentarily saving her from her struggles, “You know, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to?”

“That's just the problem…I want to…I need to say some things. You deserve…”

“I think I know,” he jumped in. “Believe me, it's okay.”

“But that's just it. It's not okay, and won't be until I tell you everything.”

Relieved by Jen's candor about the fact that she was finally ready to fill in some of the holes that had been bothering him for some time, Dave looked at her and said, “Then I guess I'm to hear everything?”

“That's my plan,” she nearly whispered. Then in a slightly louder voice, but still quiet enough to maintain complete privacy in spite of being in an open ward, she began, “I don't really know what I was thinking at first. It was like, ‘this isn't real, is it?' and then as it began to actually sink in, I was so stupid. I was worried that if word got out that I was sick, it would adversely affect my career. I went from that ridiculous thought to not wanting to even tell you guys, for fear of news getting out. I know, it was idiotic. I know that now, but then? When my head was still swimming, trying to wrap itself around the word ‘cancer'?

“Dieter really did make it seem like we had discovered it so early there was no way we couldn't cure it quickly and easily, so even after I finally reached a point where I wasn't in full panic mode, I didn't want to tell you or the kids. I thought, ‘I'll be cured by the time I go home at the end of the season, so what's the point in scaring everyone and risking word getting out?' I was afraid that if it became public knowledge, I'd face some problems with my endorsements and sponsors, wanting to pull out their support and such.

“So then, when I went for a follow up toward the end of the season, it was discovered that not only had we not managed to cure it, but the problem had actually worsened, spreading elsewhere. This had me really scared, and in case I need to say it, not thinking too clearly. I was told about some new treatment regimen they were having some luck with in Australia, and that they thought they could help me. So I asked Dieter to arrange it for as soon as the season was over.

“That was all just fine and dandy, other than for the fact that I was supposed to be coming home then. That's where things really became muddled, because for whatever reasons I was functioning without full command of my faculties. I started thinking about what and how to say whatever needed to be said, and at some point I convinced myself that it would not be in my best interests to tell anyone what was going on, and as ridiculous as it may sound, in my brain that included you guys.”

At this point, she stopped telling her story for a moment to catch her breath. “It occurred to me that I was supposed to be heading home for a while before needing to return to Germany for training, so now I was going to need a cover story to tell you guys before I left for Australia to try out this treatment Dieter kept going on about.

“I don't know where it came from, but the thought occurred to me that I could tell you I was seeing someone in Germany, and wouldn't be coming home right then. It was dumb, I know now, but at the time I still thought it made sense to not tell anyone I was sick, as if I could keep it a secret forever. I still can't tell you how I rationalized not telling you or the kids, because I still don't understand it myself. I was just so messed up, mentally and emotionally that I couldn't see straight. As it turned out, even telling you I was seeing someone wasn't enough to dissuade Drew. He kept pushing for me to tell him who, begging me to come home. He even guessed it might be Erik Zabel before I finally blurted out Dieter's name. I thought at least he really was someone who was associated with everything that was going on.

“I know that none of this does anything to make up for the horrible mistakes I've made recently, but I had to tell you, for my own sanity if nothing else,” she said, then let the mental echoes fade before continuing. “I'm so sorry. I lied to you, and there is probably no way I'll ever be able to make it up to you and the kids. I just hope for the chance to try.”

Dave sat there for a moment looking into her tear filled eyes as his own did a near perfect imitation. He let go of her hand and wiped away the tears rolling down his cheeks, then spoke, “I've told you before that I'm willing to do whatever is necessary to make things work for us again. I can't stand the thought of being without you, and I know that the kids feel the same way. I'll not lie. There are some things that still hurt, even now. I'm trying to understand your reasons for what you did, and I promise you that even though that understanding isn't complete, all is forgiven. I can't promise there won't still be some bumps as we recover from this, but…”

Jen leaned forward until she could reach Dave's lips and gave him a tender, lingering kiss, then said, “That is more than I could ever have hoped for. I really don't deserve you, Dave Bond.”

Dave picked up her hands and placed gentle kisses on them, then said, “I love you, Jen. I always have, and I always will, no matter what.” He looked at his watch then, startled, said, “Look at the time. I imagine you must be worn out completely, and I really need to get some rest for work tomorrow.” He started to get up from his chair, then stopped. “With everything else this evening, you didn't say. Have the doctors said anything about when you might get out of here?”

“How's tomorrow sound?”

“Great. I'll call your mum and let her know. She was planning on coming to stay for a week or two after you get out to help with your convalescence. I won't come by in the morning, so I can get straight to the mill and get some work done before I come to get you, all right?”

“That sounds perfect to me, luv.”

So with one more kiss goodnight, Dave left Jen to spend her last night on the ward, as he headed home to get some rest before the big day coming up tomorrow.

________________________

Coming home, eh? That's great news, really. I just hope I can live up to my words this evening. It's not that I didn't mean any of what I said, but rather I'm just hoping that the rest of me is able to carry through with the words that were coming from my heart tonight. I do love her so, and I really always will. I just hope my brain can work its way round everything and allow us to move on together.

The kids will be thrilled to know their mum's coming home tomorrow…oh, it's later than I had intended, maybe instead of bothering them so late I'll just fill them in tomorrow when we call? I think that will work. I do need to call Josie as soon as I get in to let her know about Jen coming home tomorrow. I don't expect her to be able to pop over on such short notice, but if she can make it within a couple of days, it would be a great help. Oh, I had probably also let Frank know, so he'll be able to make plans accordingly…

_________________________

As Dave arrived home, the first thing he did was go to the phone to call his mother-in-law.

“Hello?”

“Hey, mum.”

“Dave, it's good to hear from you, but it is a bit late. I hope it isn't bad news?”

“No, no, nothing like that. I just wanted to let you know that Jen's going to be discharged from hospital tomorrow.”

“That's grand news, but I may not be able to make it to Warsop for a day or two.”

“I expected as much, so I'm planning on taking a day or two off from work, and Carol will pitch in as well. I'm sure we'll be able to get by until you arrive.”

“If you're sure?”

“We'll be fine. See you in a couple of days, and good night, mum.”

“Night, son.”

Dave hung up the phone, marveling for a moment on the fact that he feels closer to his mother-in-law than he ever did his own mum when she was alive. Not wanting to stir up the hornet's nest that was his relationship with his mum, Dave pushed down those thoughts and turned his attention to preparing for sleep to once again wrap it's warm embrace about him.

_____________________

Well, that was an eventful evening, wasn't it? Great news, Jen coming home, but I can't help but think that maybe she's still holding something back, like she's afraid to tell me. I wonder what it is? Oh well, at least she'll be home again, and since she was so sick, I'm guessing it'll be for good. I can't imagine her trying to return to racing after all this, there's just no way. I mean, she's old enough to be winding down her racing career even without having to completely rehab after the surgery and all, and what with all those big wins this season, it would be a perfect way to retire…going out on top, and all that. But then, I've never really had much luck predicting what she is going to do or not do, which is a bit sad given how long we've been married. Does that mean I don't know her nearly as well as I thought I did?

I do regret not making it home early enough to call the kids, but I'm sure they'll understand. The change in both of them has been astonishing, really. Juliette has turned herself around completely. She's actually almost back to being the pleasant, lovely girl she used to be, before all the problems popped up. And I'd rather not think about Gaby at the moment. We talk, and I can't even picture Drew in the voice anymore. Gaby is so completely the dominant personality now, it's a bit scary really. I wonder if my son even realizes what's happening? Will there even be a son left by the time they come home?

_______________________

As Dave drifted off to the land of dreams, Jen also was busy with her thoughts…

________________________

I suppose that really wasn't fair of me to omit the part about me probably recovering enough to return to racing. I know that Dave is looking forward to having me home all the time again, and I just couldn't bring myself to destroy that picture he's holding onto of our life to come. But if there's a chance that I could continue with my career, I have to try, don't I? If I don't, I'll spend the rest of my life wondering if I could have continued, and I don't want to live my life like that. He'll be hurt, but I'm sure that eventually he'll understand. Dave is just too good a man not to understand needing to follow your dreams…

________________________

And so it was that both senior Bonds found their way to troubled nights sleep.

Jillian 02.08.06 © 2006
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