Dave pulled the car into the driveway and turned off the engine, then let out a long sigh. “Well, best see what Drew's been up to while I've been gone.” As he walks toward the front door, he comments, “At least he doesn't appear to have burnt the place down.” And with that, he opens the front door and enters the house. After a quick check around the lower level, he heads for the stairs, and what he hopes will be a good night's sleep. This was apparently not meant to be, as part way up the stairs, he saw something sitting on the landing.

"Drew? Is that you?" he flicked the light on, "Drew!" and climbed the last couple of steps to where his youngest child sat rocking on the top step.

“Dad”

He sat next to his son and hugged him close.

Through his sobs, Drew said, “Mum rang.”

“It's alright son.”

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Here I was, worrying about how Juliette has been dealing with everything that's been going on, and I come home to find Drew; well, maybe I should say Gaby, sitting on the stairs in her mother's things, in such an upset state! At this moment in time what my child is wearing is of little importance. What matters is my youngest is in pain, and I have to do something…anything…to make that pain go away.

______________________________

“It's alright…everything will be okay…I love you so much…shhh…don't cry…I'm here now…” Dave sat there on that landing, holding his child, for who knows how long, just trying to comfort her with his words and his touch. When finally the distraught youngster began to calm somewhat, he helped her to bed, tucking her in, then picking up a blanket for himself and sitting down in a chair at her bedside, just in case his presence would be needed again.

“Night Drew, sleep tight.”

“Night Dad.”

______________________________

What on Earth happened while I was gone? About the only thing I got out of all that is that Jen called. That must have been quite some conversation to upset Drew enough to push him to put on his mum's things like that. I mean, yes, I've seen him appear as Gaby plenty of times, but I can't remember ever seeing her make an appearance where there wasn't some sort of reason or coercion involved. Is this a sign that something is changing? Is my child becoming more female? Or is this a onetime reaction to what he perceived as an extremely stressful situation? For a while there, I was afraid I was going to have to call the doctor or something for a sedative for the poor boy. I wish I'd been able to ease the pain more easily and quickly, but at least he eventually calmed down enough to go to sleep.

Does Jen have any idea how much she's upset the children? I never in my entire life considered the possibility before that she didn't, but does she care? Our daughter is so consumed by her anger toward her mother that she can barely control herself, and now our son has become so distraught over whatever this phone call was about that I don't know if he'll ever be the same again. I always thought they were such strong, well-centered kids; their world is being tossed upside down by the woman they trusted most, and both seem to be drowning in the turmoil that has ensued. And worst of all is I don't know how to fix any of it. What am I going to do?

______________________________

A pained moan escapes from Drew's sleeping form, bringing Dave to full attention, waiting in case there is a need to spring into action comforting his youngest once again. “Shhh…” he quietly says to the sleeping form, and waits to make sure the child isn't waking up. He then settles back under his blanket with his thoughts.

______________________________

If I had made a fuss when this racing contract first came up, would things have turned out differently? Would we still be a happy family, together as always? Or would Jen have resented what she might have seen as my selfishness and left to find comfort elsewhere? I know it's useless to speculate about such things, but that doesn't stop me thinking about them. I can't help it. It's my job to make things better for my kids, and in this case, I just don't know what to do. Maybe she would have left, even without the job racing. Maybe she was just that unhappy with me. If so, I am so very sorry Jen. The last thing in the world I would have ever wanted was to make you unhappy. But then, I can't help thinking that if she hadn't gone, she might not have got so lonely and needed someone else. Then all Jules would have to be mad about would be the usual teenaged angst things, instead of having the lightning rod of her mother to serve as the focus for all her hatred. And I can only assume that if their mother had been here, Drew wouldn't have felt the need to put on those clothes just to feel close to her again.

Is that it? She's just lonely? Being so far away from home, alone in a strange country? I'm not sure I like that explanation any better than her meeting and falling in love with her dream man in Germany, and now feels she must stay with him. Oh, who am I kidding? I hate every option that ends with Jen not coming home. I still love you, Jen. I always have, I hope you know that. God, I wish you could read my mind right now. I don't think I've ever been able to put into words just how much I love you. I can't tell you how many times I've wished I could.

Dave, would you look at yourself for a moment here? You're a bit of a mess emotionally yourself, and you're trying to help your kids through this even though you haven't even begun to navigate through it yourself. It's a bit like the proverbial blind leading the blind, isn't it?

______________________________

Sitting there in the darkness watching the sleeping form of his youngest born, Dave begins to whisper to the child, “Oh Drew, or Gaby, or…what did your mum say to you? You've been so strong about all this, so what must have been said to bring this reaction out in you? I hope you know how much I love you, no matter what you do. Please don't try to hide from this situation. You're stronger than that. I've seen you do things by will alone that you should never have been able to do physically, so I know you can get through this. And I promise you will not have to go through it alone, because I will always be by your side.

“I don't care if you're a cycling champion. I don't care if you grow up to be a big shot businessman. I don't care if you grow up to be a big, strong man, or if you never grow another inch or gain a pound. I don't even care if you want to wear skirts, or purple hair, or whatever. All I care about is that you keep trying hard, and remember that I love you and am always here for you. You and your sister are my greatest pleasures in this world. I hope you know that.”

Drew shifts under the duvet, and Dave stops talking to see if he's going to wake up. After a moment, the boy settles back into a deep but somewhat troubled sleep.

______________________________

Oh, my beautiful little boy, what must be going through your mind right now? Do you want to be a girl? Or is all this Gaby stuff just a fun game to play once in a while? I used to believe that it really was just something that Maddy cooked up to have a spot of fun, but now I'm not so sure. The fact that in a moment when you needed comfort and security, you chose to dress as a girl…no, that's not entirely accurate, is it? You dressed up in your mum's things. You have plenty of girl clothes of your own, so why choose hers? Because you needed to feel close to her, even if she is doing everything she can to pull apart from us. I think I understand why you did this tonight; in a way it makes perfect sense. It has nothing to do with Gaby really, does it?

You know that I still love your mother, even in spite of all this, but at this moment I swear that love is being overshadowed by anger that she could do this to you. Let's be honest, it's anger that she could do this to us. I'm not one to give in to such negative emotions, but in this case it's becoming quite difficult to keep from doing just that.

I don't know if she's even all that interested in being a part of your life anymore. That's an awful thing to even think, but given the circumstances, what else can I think? Look at you, in such torment, brought on simply by talking to your mum on the telephone. How is that possible? How could someone who supposedly loves her children do something like that to one of them merely by talking to them on the phone?

I know you've always worshipped your mum. Is that it? She's pulling away from us, and you felt you needed to be close to her so much that you latched onto the only surrogate you could get hold of, her clothes?

I feel like I've failed you somehow, Drew. I've been so worried about your sister and the way she took your mum's announcement that I failed to give you the same level of concern. I am so sorry. I swear to you, that will never happen again. You are far too important to me to ever take your emotions and concerns lightly. In a way, I've failed both of you. If I had made more certain your mother knew how much I love her and missed her…well, maybe not. That might have helped things, but it also might have made her feel worse about being away, and who knows how she would have responded to that.

__________________________

Dave had drifted off while sitting beside Drew's bed. At some point, his hand, which had been in his lap, slipped and hit the side rail of the bed, the impact rousing him from his light, troubled slumber. He looked at his child and was instantly consumed yet again by his deep desire to make everything in that child's world perfect. “If only it were that simple,” he whispered, mostly to himself.

_________________________

I haven't been very accepting of you, Gaby, have I? Oh, I've tolerated your appearances, and even occasionally saw the humor in the situations that sometimes brought them about, but I've had some difficulties seeing you as anything more than a game that Drew has been playing. Or more often than not, a game Drew gets talked into playing by Maddy, or Brit, or his mum, or…I just never considered the possibility that there was something more going on than that. Not exactly fair of me, is it? I assumed it wasn't something that was important to you because you've always made some protest before giving in and making another appearance as Gaby. Now, I'm not so sure. From the very first time, back at Christmas, once you got past your initial problems with appearing in public as a girl, you've always seemed more at ease and comfortable…you might even say more natural…as Gaby. Is this becoming something you need to do? Or is it still that game? I can't tell anymore, and the thing that scares me is I'm not sure you can either. Do you know what you want to do? Do you even realize these are questions that need answers?

Maybe I'm the one who's got it all wrong, who knows? If being Gaby makes you happy, then it's my job to make sure you get that opportunity. And if it doesn't, then it's my place to protect you from doing something you don't want to do. I guess that's the only thing that's really important, isn't it? Have I done that for you? I don't really think I have, but then I can't be sure, because I have no idea what it is you really want or need.

This all confuses and scares me; I can't even imagine what it's like for you. I've seen you display more courage and strength than anyone I've ever met, and yet here you are…I don't know what to do.

__________________________

“I think maybe we both need help figuring some things out,” Dave suddenly spoke to his still sleeping child. “Can you tell me what it is you want to do? So I can help you do that?”

As Drew continued sleeping an obviously still troubled sleep, as was clear from the way he would move or make odd moaning sounds periodically, Dave found himself feeling the need to reach out for help.

__________________________

I don't think anyone would ever take me for an overly religious man. But Lord, I am in real need of help here. My child is so troubled, and I don't have the slightest idea how to ease his burden. His mother has, for whatever reason, left us. The mother this boy has looked up to as nothing short of a superhero, who he has tried to emulate in so many ways, told him something today…what I have no idea…that has devastated the poor child, and I need more than anything in this world to help him get over it. But I simply have no idea how to do it.

This lovely child, with the face of an angel and the spirit of a tiger, who has never backed down from any challenge that's ever been put in front of him, needs your help. He's always done whatever he could to help others, no questions asked. Now I'm asking on his behalf, please help him get through this turmoil, and please give him the strength to rise above it in the end.

_________________________

“You know son,” Dave softly spoke once again into the dark bedroom, “I haven't ever told you this, but I admire your strength. Oh, you know I love you, but I also admire the person you are becoming. I admire the way you never give up. I admire the way you stand up for what's right, even when doing so could cause you problems. I admire the loyalty you show toward your friends, no matter what is going on. These are all wonderful qualities, and the fact that you demonstrate through your words and actions just how much you value them makes me so proud to be your father. Please don't let outside influences change those things about you that are such admirable qualities.”

Dave moved closer to his son, and gently brushed the child's hair with his hand. Drew began to stir, at which Dave withdrew his hand, not wanting to wake him.

___________________________________________________

How many times have I told that boy to get his hair cut? Now I'm starting to see that reluctance to do so in a different light. Maybe he was trying to tell us something without coming right out and saying it. Just maybe, he never wanted to get his hair cut because it is such an integral part of Gaby. Oh, he makes a fuss when he's mistaken for a girl when out in public, but is that all just for show? If he were serious in his displeasure, wouldn't he just go out and get all that hair chopped off? Of course, even if he did something like that, would it bring a halt to strangers walking up and calling him Gaby? I'm afraid that if I'm being totally honest, the answer is probably no. Looking at the child objectively, I must admit that his every feature clearly says “girl” to one and all who see her. The hair is little more than icing on the cake.

Deep down, is this what my child wants? I wish I knew, but it seems as if even he doesn't know. Actually, I wish there were no need for any kind of decision to be made. Should we get in touch with a doctor who knows something about this stuff? Of course we should, but the last thing in the world I would want to do is have my child make such a monumental decision based on being influenced to make a change by a complete stranger. He's so unsure, maybe it would be best to just let him explore his feelings on his own for a bit…reach some conclusions on his own…before we bring in some sort of clinical expert. But on the other hand, maybe talking to someone who knows a bit about this sort of thing would help him figure out what he wants. It's possible that without some sort of guidance, the questions may never be resolved, and I can't help but think that would be by far the worst option of the lot.

Oh my, is that really the sun starting to come up? I didn't realize it was that time already. I'd best remember to give Frank a call in a bit, let him know that I need to stay with Drew today. There's no way in this world I would let him be alone after last night. We need to talk about so many things; I just hope I'm up to the task.

I know he's going to want to talk about his mum. What do I say? Should I put on a brave front, tell him everything is going to be all right? Do I just say she's left us, not coming back, and we're going to move on without looking back? Or tell him the truth, that I've no idea what's going to happen?

I think the problem is, I'm just as confused as he is. I'm angry with her for doing this to me, to us. I'm sad for the loss of my love. I'm scared for the future of my family. I'm worried about the long-term effects all this is going to have on my children. Is she going to ask that the kids go live with her in Germany? Or is she discarding all of us as superfluous to the requirements of her new life as a worldwide celebrity?

So many questions, and not an answer in sight. It's little wonder Drew tried to find some comfort and solace in his mum's old things. It's almost enough to push me toward something similar.

Okay Dave, time to pull yourself back together, for the kids. They're going to need you to be strong, the rock, and you can't let them down. You mustn't ever let them down.

__________________________

“Daa-aad!”

“Drew?” Dave was already in the room, sat in a chair with a blanket over him.

“Why, what?” Drew plucked at what he was wearing.

“You were wearing it when I got home Drew, I didn't want to make an issue of it so I let you be”

“I, I don't remember” Dave sat on his son's bed and hugged him.

“It's alright. We all do strange things when we're upset or stressed”

“Mum rang”

“You said”

“She's not coming back Dad”

“We'll see”

“She's gone Dad”

“Come on son, let's get some breakfast. I'll call in sick; I'm not leaving you alone today. You might want to change?”

Jillian 02.07.06 © 2006
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