Hostess With The Mostest
Part 2

"When I said shave I meant your arms and legs" Julia sighed

"Sorry, when you said shave I never thought" I replied

"Never mind Chris, come on I'll help, it won't take long"

Three quarters of an hour later I felt like a plucked chicken! Not only was I pretty much devoid of body hair in the obvious places, Julia shaved my pits and insisted I trim my 'bikini' area!

"That's better Chrissy, we need to get you sorted out tonight, we won't have much time in the morning, Rob will pop you along to the railway station, the train to Bolzano leaves at nine thirty."

"Remind me why I'm doing this?" I asked as Julia massaged some foul smelling gunk into my hair.

"Because you are as curious as the rest of us"

"I guess, what is that stuff?"

"Hair dye" she stated

"What!" I made to get up but Julia thrust me back into the chair

"Look Chris, you can't rejoin your passengers looking too much like you can you?"

"I guess not" I allowed

"We can dye it back next week okay" she soothed

"I s'pose so"

"Let's tidy your brows up a bit while that's working"

"I'm starving, I haven't eaten since lunch" I told her

"Oops! I forgot. Hang on, I'll order a pizza, bolognese okay?"


Julia slipped out of the room, returning after about five minutes.

"Be about fifteen minutes Chris, they'll bring it up for us"


"Now then where were we?"

She descended on me with her tweezers and set about 'tidying' my wayward eyebrows. Fifteen minutes and a sore face later there was a knock on the door.

"That'll be the pizza" Julia stated

I guessed that much! Being used to the deep pan pizzas at home, this real Italian version was a bit of a let down but beggars can't be choosers. Julia joined me and produced a couple of bottles of 'Nasturo' to wash it down, I certainly felt better afterwards.

"How long does this dye have to be on?" I queried as Julia tidied the remains of our meal away.

"Oh bugger!" she exclaimed, "it's only supposed to be on for about twenty five minutes. Quick, into the bathroom we need to wash it out"

I needed no second prompt

"Hmm!" Julia mused, "well no one will recognise you now that's for sure"

I could only stare at my now white blonde hair. Don't get me wrong, I don't get paranoid over my barnet like some blokes I know and I do tend to wear it pretty long I suppose but the blonde in the mirror... well looks very girly.

"Come on Chris, sit down and I'll trim it a bit"

Too stunned to do otherwise I let her lead me back into the main room to continue with my transformation.

It was after one when I crept into Rob's room and climbed into the spare bed. It did nothing to dent his reputation when a young blonde was seen scampering out again before breakfast Monday morning!

"Morning Chrissie"

"Hi Julia, let's get on with this"

Julia had sorted out a set of clothing for me to travel in and between Mandy and herself had assembled a Global uniform for me to use. The plan was that when I get to Innsbruck after lunch I acquire a bit luggage, underwear in particular! Whilst I wasn't too keen on being thrust headlong into this, I've gone too far now to back out.

I donned Julia's control briefs and one of her padded bras which gave me a bit of a figure with the help of half a box of tissues. A knee length denim skirt donated by Mandy and a cropped t-shirt from the same source finished me off. I slipped my own walking sandals on, my now painted toe nails poking out for all to see, took the attention away from the men's styling.

"You'll do Chris, just remember what I've told you and you'll be fine"

"I hope so" I mumbled

"Come on, we've got time to grab a quick bit of breakfast before you go for your train."

Half an hour later Julia and I got off of Rob's coach outside Riva Del Garda railway station with a small-wheeled holdall and a distinct case of the jitters.

"Ring me when you get there Chris, we're only taking the punters on a boat ride after lunch so we'll be back about five"

"I don't know how I let you talk me into this" I told her

"Just think of it as an experiment in human psychology"


"Come on that's your train just coming in"

I was the only customer in the ticket office so luckily I was served quickly and with a final hug from Julia I boarded the northbound train. The day was hot and I was soon glad of the somewhat revealing top I was wearing as the carriage had very little air circulating. At Bozen I had to change trains and took the opportunity to get a drink. With only fifteen minutes until my connection, the walk into the town was out so I found a bit of shade on the platform to wait.

The Munich bound train arrived ten minutes late and I secured a window seat; at least I could look at the scenery! This second train was a lot busier than the first but no one gave me more than a quick look, particularly after a woman joined me on the forward facing seats. Over the Brenner Pass and into Austria, within the hour I was deposited in the building site that was currently Innsbruck railway station.

So far so good! I found the left luggage lockers and deposited my bag and then projecting more confidence than I felt I set out to do some essential shopping! Julia had supplied me with a mini rucksack to keep my 'bits' as she called them in and I noted that here in Austria I fit right in with my current attire.

From a previous visit I remembered the location of a department store, I should be able to get everything I need for the week in there quite anonymously! Then it struck me! It's Sunday and unlike the UK nearly all the shops are actually shut, shit! Well I might as well walk up into the town anyway and a few minutes later a very relieved Chris joined the crowds in the main shopping thoroughfare. Thank heaven for local Saint's days! There was a bit of a festival going on and luckily most of the stores were taking advantage of the opportunity and were open for the afternoon.

In my job a good grounding in foreign languages is pretty useful, I can get by in French and Italian but I actually got an A level in German and I've picked up more on the job. However shopping for ladies underwear and clothing turned out to be a bit trickier than I thought. Not really having much idea on sizing I had to make an educated guess after reading a few packages. Julia had made a suggestion of what I would need and I was soon carting round a basket with various strumpfhose, bustenhalters and briefs inside.

Julia had suggested that for outerwear I should find stuff that I would be comfortable in and so I ran the gauntlet of the ladies wear department. How the hell do women decide what to buy? I walked around for a few minutes then spotting a mannequin wearing an outfit that I liked, I used that as a guide for my purchases. I left the store some two hundred Euros poorer but with a basic girls wardrobe for the week.

It was only when I passed a shoe shop that I realised that I'd forgotten something, shoes! Of course, I was wearing my own sandals because Julia's feet are two sizes smaller than mine are. I turned around and went into the shoe shop. Julia had suggested I stick to low heels or flats, and I was only too happy to concur. As a guy I can usually pick out my footwear pretty quick, I mean there's not exactly a lot of choice is there? Chrissy on the other hand was presented with hundreds of pairs to choose from!

After a quick look round, I'd dismissed over half of the schuh on offer as being unsuitable for various reasons and identified a few pairs that looked okay from a guys point of view. The place was self serve so I pulled a few boxes out to try. Now I can see why women take so long buying shoes! Eventually I left with a pair of women's walking sandals, a pair of strappy sandals with a low heel and just because I took a shine to them, a pair of very fashionable kitten heeled slingbacks!

I made my way wearily back to the Bahnhof where I retrieved my bag and made my way to the platform for the train up to Seefeld. As luck would have it, the train was just about to depart, with some assistance from the guard I got on and collapsed into a seat. I managed to sort of pack my purchases into the case as the train circled the town before starting the climb out of the Inn valley. Remember the end of Von Ryan's Express? Well this is where it was filmed. In and out of the tunnels and seemingly endlessly upwards we went, glances down into the valley below revealing the now toy town river and motorway. Eventually the line levelled out and we made the last stretch into Seefeld, my destination.

So far today I had had to have little in the way of conversation with anyone; soon I was going to have to convince a busload of people that I was a girl. I got an icy feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought. I didn't think much of it when the smiling conductor helped off the train.


"Danke, teuss!" I replied automatically

As I walked across to the exit I realised I was under scrutiny, several railwaymen were closely watching my progress, their friendly 'abend' as I passed did little to disguise their lustful gaze. I did not feel comfortable! I tugged my little case behind me as I made my way down to the square then out towards the lake where Global always stay. It was only after the third person had bid me good day that I realised that as a bloke no one usually spoke to me, now everyone was smiling and friendly. Maybe the girls really do have something?

I spotted Den sat outside the See Hotel nursing a beer.

"Den! Am I glad to see you"

He jerked round to see who was addressing him, seeing me he retained a puzzled expression.

"It's me, Chris" I hissed

"Flipping heck, I didn't recognise you at all"

"That was the idea" I reminded him

"Well if I didn't know I wouldn't guess" he told me

"Let's hope no one else does" I mentioned

"Best get you installed, I told Ingrid that you'd be here this afternoon and what you were doing but I never thought you'd be so convincing. Come on"

Den grabbed my bag and I followed meekly behind as he led the way into the hotel reception.

"Ingrid, it seems there has been a change of plan and Chris bottled out" what was Den up to?

"Such a shame Den, I was sure we'd have some fun"

"Well apparently head office couldn't get anyone out here before tomorrow so they arranged for young Nena here to fill in, she usually works for Luftner *"

I did my best to conceal my surprise at this unexpected turn of events. Now I'm not Chris in disguise I'm Nena a real girl!

"Hi Nena, I'm Ingrid, if you need anything let me know. And watch out for Den here, he thinks he's a regular stud" she smiled and winked as she said the last.

"Don't believe her Nena, I'm happily married"

I just nodded and smiled

"Den will take you to your room" Ingrid advised passing me the key

"Thank you" I put a slight inflection on to my reply

"See you later Nena"

"What's with the 'Nena' business Den?" I asked once we were out of earshot

"Sorry Chris I got carried away"

"Hmmpf," I mentioned, "but why Nena and why am I now Austrian and working for another company?"

"You just look so, I don't know, German, Austrian?"

"It's done now but no more surprises please" I implored

"Here's your room, see you in the bar about seven?"


"See you later then" with that Den left and I closed my door.

What have I got myself into? I dumped my bag and collapsed on the bed, I lay there for a few minutes mulling over the situation then spotting that it was nearly five I remembered Julia, must ring Julia! I recovered my mobile and hit the speed dial.

"Chris, I was getting worried about you!" she stated when she answered

"It's Nena now, I've not been here long"


"It's a long story," I warned

"Well I'm not in a rush, spill!" she enthused.

So over the next fifteen minutes I relived the day's events, Julia occasionally making comments and when I got to the shopping bit made me describe all my purchases.

"And Den just came out with it?"

"Yep. So now I'm stuck as Nena, I can hardly be Chris with the passengers and Nena with the hotel can I?"

"I guess not"

"Well I best get off this phone, I need to shower and stuff before dinner"

"What are you going to wear?" Julia asked

"What I've had on today, maybe a different top"

"No way girl! You need to dress up a bit, make a good impression. Let's see now, you said the slash neck top was black yeah?"

"Er yeah"

"Well wear that with the layered skirt and your slingbacks, you'd best wear some tights too. Do your make up like I showed you last night with the dark pink lipstick and did you get some body spray?"

"Yeah it's got a sort of almondy smell"

"Whatever, use it but don't drown yourself in it. I'll call you later okay, see how it goes"

"Thanks Julia"

"Later ciao"

"Teuss" I put the phone down and started my preparations.

"There you are Nena, what are you drinking?" Den greeted me when I eventually arrived in the bar about ten past seven. My usual 'große bier' was out and even a small beer might be pushing my luck.

"White wine please"

"You look very nice, you settled in okay?" he asked

"As well as I can" I whispered, "these clothes take a bit of getting used to and as for these, " I indicated my nylon clad foot with the slingback on, "just don't get any ideas that they're comfortable!"

My wine arrived and the pair of us sat at one of the tables out of the way.

"I have to say Chris"

"Nena no thanks to you!" I hissed

"Sorry, Nena you wash up into a good looking woman" Den finished

"I think that's a compliment" I mentioned

"We'll get the punters before dinner, we need to sort out the excursions and introduce you."

"You'd better tell them that I'm German then, they might get a bit suspicious if I'm supposed to be Austrian and I don't know basic local stuff"

"Okay, where from then, we best make it convincing"

"How about Trier, I know the place pretty well, I doubt if any of this lot have been for more than a quick day trip"

"That's settled then, as I only just met you I can't tell anyone more than that can I?"

"Okay, looks like they're starting to arrive for dinner" I observed

Den waved to an older couple who had spotted us in the bar, the gossip was bound to start now! We waited until all the passengers were seated in the restaurant before the pair of us made our way in, me at Den's elbow instead of doing this myself.

"Ladies, gentlemen, can I have a minute before you eat"

The general hubbub decreased until Den had everybody's attention. Just the waitress's taking drink orders disturbed the peace.

"Thank you, I won't delay your meal long. We've managed to get a replacement for poor Chris, Nena here has stepped into the breach at exceedingly short notice. She won't mind me telling you she's German; from up on the Mosel so her English is not perfect but looking as pretty as she does I'm sure that won't be a problem. I'm sure you'll all join me in welcoming her to our party"

There was a short round of polite applause led by Den and I blushed to my bleached roots!

"I'll pass you over to her and she'll tell you what's happening, Nena" he motioned for me to take over.

Damn, he's done it to me again! I was really having to think on my feet today! I moved to where everyone could see me better.

"Hello everyone, my name is Nena Ziegler" it was the first surname I could think of, "and I am glad to be, erm, your host?" I looked to Den for confirmation, playing my rôle up a bit. "You will have to forgive my English but I will try to help well. After you eat, Den and me will be taking list? For the optional day trips in the Stube." I referred to my list although I knew the set up by heart. "On Tuesday the trip is to the Krimml Falls and Mayrhofen for twenty Euro each, Mittwoch, sorry wed nes day you can go to the Silvretta Pass which is twenty five Euro."

I checked the sheet again before continuing.

"Thursday we offer you the Castle Tratzberg and the town of Rattenburg, it is thirty five Euro which includes the castle entrance. If you wish for to go, you can book after you eat. Tomorrow we will leave at nine fifteen. Thank you and gute essen" I finished

"Thanks Nena, we'll let you get on with your food" Den concluded our little presentation.

We made our exit, and Den led me through to the public dining room where we would eat this week, at least we'd get to eat in peace!

"That wasn't so bad" Den mentioned

"You should have been in my shoes" I stated

"I bet they're all talking about the pretty German hostess right now"

"What a comforting thought" I mused

"Come on Chr.. er Nena. You volunteered to do this and so far I reckon you've made a favourable impression" he told me

"If you say so"

"There you are" Ingrid greeted us, "you ready to eat?"

"You know me Ingrid" Den quipped

"He never stops eating!" she told me in a stage whisper before hurrying off to fetch our food.

"I can't believe Ingrid hasn't spotted it's me, I was only here with you three weeks ago"

"Well if she knows she's not saying anything, but I don't think she knows"

Just then one of the waitresses brought our soup in and our attention turned to eating. Julia had told me to be careful eating, take smaller bites, don't eat too much and don't play with the food. Not that I do usually, it's never on the plate long enough! Oh yeah and eat much slower.

Although the food at the See Hotel isn't haute cuisine, it's not transport café either! Tonight we had cream of cauliflower soup followed by schnitzel with mash and two veg. The sweet that followed was a choice of ice cream or fruit salad which Den and I followed with coffee as usual. It was novel for me to be served first all the time and I think a bit galling for Den, if he'd been sat with Chris, the driver always gets served first!

We finished our coffees and made our way into the Stube to set up for the business of selling day trips. On this holiday with six days in resort there were two included trips on Monday and Friday sandwiching the optionals, Sunday was always free so that the driver had the hours to do the rest of the trip.

I set up excursion central while Den got more alcohol for us.

"I think you should be in charge Den, I'm supposed to be new to the set up, someone might get suspicious if I'm too good tonight."

"Okay, but I'll pass questions over to you" he agreed

"Fair enough. Ot oh, here come the first lot"

It was the old couple that Den had waved to earlier.

"Evening Mr Stubbings, Mrs Stubbings" Den started, "what can we interest you in?"

"The waterfall and the castle please" Mrs Stubbings supplied

Den found them on the passenger list and noted their booking.

"That's ninety Euros then" he told them, my lovely helper will relieve you of the cash"

Mrs Stubbings presented me with a one hundred Euro note for which I found the change.

"There you are Mrs Stubbings, ten Euro, I hope you enjoy the excursions"

"Thank you dear, that's a pretty outfit, you'll have to get Den to take you out later to show it off"

"I might just do that" Den told us

"Good night Nena" Mrs S finished

"Good night" I replied rolling my eyes at Den.

Our next customers arrived ten minutes later and for the next hour we were constantly explaining, describing and passing pleasantries.

"That's everyone, you want to go for a nightcap?" Den offered

"Okay, I'll just get Ingrid to put this money in the safe, meet me in reception?"

"Ten minutes then"

I collected my bag and the cash box and went through to reception where I found Ingrid doing some paperwork. She greeted me in German. (Authors note: I have translated so you follow the plot!)

Ingrid, manager of the See Hotel.

"Ah Nena, you have finished you're booking?"


"The trips are all going?"

"Yes, Wednesday is a bit light but there are enough"

"Good, do you want the safe?"

"Please, there are several thousand Euro in here" I proffered the box which Ingrid took to put away. Returning she took up the conversation.

"Is Den taking you for a drink?"

"Yes, he'll be here shortly"

"He's a good man, a bit of a joker but harmless. You will be alright with him."

"You know this Chris, the one who is ill?" well I was making conversation!

"Yes, a nice boy but a bit quiet"

"What are you two talking about? Me I suppose eh?" Den arrived now wearing a jumper

Reverting to English Ingrid answered him.

"Of course about you, Nena was just asking how safe she was" she joked, "I told her she needs a chastity!"

"I'm hurt" Den exclaimed, "come on Nena before she corrupts you more" he led the way out

"Night Ingrid"

"Bye Nena"

We walked in silence for a couple of minutes towards the town centre and the bars.

"Well?" Den finally asked

"Well what?"

"Did Ingrid know it's you?"

"Well if she does, she's playing it close to her chest. She didn't give any indication of knowing"

"If anyone would spot you it would be Ingrid, she's got a soft spot for you you know"

"Now you tell me!"

I was feeling pretty comfortable until a sudden cool breeze blowing from an alleyway reminded me how I was dressed. Somehow I've managed to spend a whole day dressed as a girl without anyone guessing the truth. This is truly too weird! At the bar I grabbed a table while Den went to get our drinks, finally I get a beer, alcohol free but still just about beer! My phone went off and after locating the source of the ringing in the mini rucksack I eventually answered.

"Hi Julia"

"Hi Chris, how's it going and what's all that noise?"

"The noise is a group of students, me and Den are having a drink in the village and it's going okay so far"

"How're the punters treating you?" she pressed

"Okay I guess, they've been more talkative I suppose, especially the women"

"Who's that?" Den asked

"Julia" I mouthed

"Let me have a word" I passed him the phone

"Hi Julia, she's doing alright this girl of yours.... I said I would... very nice, she's getting a lot of attention in here... of course not... okay, here she is" he passed the phone back to me.

"What was all that about?" I asked

"Just making sure he's looking out for you"

"I can look out for myself!" I told her

"If you say so Nena " she emphasised.

* Luftner are a Tirolean coach operator running mostly tourist day trips

Maddy Bell 23.01.04 © 2004

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