She knocked at his door, but entered before being told to. He'd got off the bed and was stood looking out the window, nursing the remains of his mug of tea. He ignored Maddy. She stood alongside him, looking at the garden beyond the reflections of them in the glass. In the reflection, she saw her arm move to hold Drew around his narrow waist. He stood impassively, staring out the window. “I know what happened at the police station.” She said quietly to him, her arm squeezing him very gently.

“I'm dead.” He said in a tone which sounded hopeless. A tear began to form in his eyes, and then silently began to roll down his cheeks.

“Anything I can do?” said Maddy, trying desperately to sound supportive and positive, just to lift his depressed mood.

“Come to my funeral.” Said the boy, the tears flowing more freely now.

“If I'm still alive, I will.” Said Maddy, “But, it won't be for many years yet.”

“Mine will.” He said.

She turned him around to face him, and holding his chin, she forced him to look into her eyes. “Everything is going to be alright. Trust me, I know these things.”

“I'm dead.” He repeated, and the tears continued to flow.

“Why are you dead?” she asked.

“Because I've got to be a girl now.”

“Don't you want to be one, then?” She asked gently.

“I'm a boy. I can't help it if I don't look like one, but that's what I am.”

“Oh Drewbie.” She said and gave him one of her monster hugs. “You can be whoever you want to be. I don't care, I still love you.” She felt a tear trickle down her face too, as she held on him as tightly as she could.

The embrace lasted for several minutes. Then they felt as if someone had drained everything from them, like a major artery had been severed and their young lives had flowed away.

Drew peeled away from Maddy and sat on the edge of the bed. “What am I gonna do Mad?” He said, looking at the floor.

“I dunno.” Responded Maddy, “What do you want to do?” She was stood with her back to the window, gazing at her distressed cousin. She felt as if she wanted to hug him until everything was better, but he had walked away from her. He was right to do so. This was his problem, and although she had often aided and abetted the appearance and maintenance of Gaby, Drew had to solve this himself. Sometimes, he looked so vulnerable and now, was one of them. Where was the ruthless rider? Hidden inside this tearful child. Maddy felt her tummy somersault, she needed to help. He would help her, wouldn't he. But how? What could she do?

“I want to go back to before we came here, I wish it had never happened.” He continued looking at the floor, although his eyes weren't really seeing anything.

“If I had a magic wand, I'd grant you your wish, “ she walked over to him and knelt on the floor before him, she took his hands and kissed them. “I don't have one, so we need another plan.”

“Like what?” he sniffed at her.

“Your make up is a mess!” she said, smiling at him.

He was not amused. “Here I am completely up shit creek, and you're laughing. Very funny, not!”

“I'm not laughing at you silly. I was laughing at me. Here you are, as you say in trouble, and I noticed your makeup was a mess. Like, it's stupid, but that's what went through my mind.”

“So, I clean up my makeup, and everything will be bloody hunky dory, will it?” He glared at her. “I don't think so.”

“I didn't mean that, and you know it.” She felt a fresh tear run down her face.

He saw it and was then consumed with guilt. “I'm sorry Mad, I'm so sorry.” He began to cry again, and she hugged his waist, pressing her head against his chest. “What are we gonna do Mad? What are we gonna do?”

Once more they held the embrace for several minutes. “Why don't you tell your parents the truth?”

“I can't, can I? I like, told that policeman, so it's gonna be, like, official.” He rubbed her back as he spoke to her.

“Why can't you say, you've changed your mind. They say it's a woman's prerogative.”

“Very funny. Can we get serious for one minute?” He gently scolded her.

“I'm being serious, tell ‘em the truth, you're a boy and want to stay one.” She let go of him and sat back on her heels, looking into his eyes, which were reddened with the tears.

“What about if we have to give evidence?” He sounded so uncertain about everything, as if his confidence in himself was deeply eroded. “What do I do then?”

“The same as you are doing now, stick your boobs on, slip on a skirt and a bit of lippy, and hey presto, you're Gaby.”

“I don't think it would be that easy. What if the police asked at the school and things and found I wasn't being Gaby, what then?”

“So, what if they do?”

“We'll all be in trouble.”

“So?” she squeezed his hands, “Alright, do the other, become Gaby all the time. I'll help you tell the others.”

“I'm dead!” he said, and his body sagged.

“No you're not. They all know Gaby, they'd get used to it in a few weeks.”

“You make it sound so simple.” He sniffed, although his body language showed he didn't believe what he was saying.

“It would be, except you just told me you wanted to stay a boy.” She squeezed his hand again, she could feel the glossy smoothness of his painted nails under her fingers. “Well, which is it? It's make your mind up time.”

“I dunno what to do. What would you do?” He said looking at her, his eyes looking sad and vulnerable.

“I'm gonna stay as I am, it's what you do that matters.” She smiled at him.

“You know what I meant.” He said, but before she could answer, Dave knocked and entered the room.

“Oh, I'm sorry girls, I thought you were alone Gaby……I'll erm, I'll see you, erm later.” He went to leave.

“It's okay daddy, we're only talking, you can stay if you want.” Said Drew, although he wasn't sure he was ready to have another heavy question and answer session with his father.

“I was going to get some more tea, anybody else for a cup?” said Maddy, wobbling herself upright. Her knees had stiffened kneeling with Drew and she winced as she straightened her legs. As soon as she could stand, she made her tactful withdrawal.

Dave came and sat alongside his son. Putting his arm around him, he said,” I came to apologise.”

“That's okay.” Sniffed Drew.

“No it isn't Gaby. You're under enough pressure at the moment, so I acted out of order. I was wrong, I was thinking of my own feelings, please forgive me.”

“Oh daddy, don't be so silly. Of course I forgive you.” Said Drew, hugging his father and burying his face in Dave's chest. He could smell the scent of soap and Dave's antiperspirant. It was a familiar and safe smell, having been the same for as long as he could remember. He felt very small again, hugging his daddy and feeling safe and secure. It felt very good and reassuring.

“Thank you so…..girl.” Dave shook his head, he still hadn't quite got his mind around the change in his family's personnel. “You know, I once got into a fight over a girl like you.”

Drew continued his hug, it was safe and comfortable. “A fight?” He asked incredulously. He couldn't imagine his father fighting anyone, Dave was far too laid back.

Dave retold the story from his student days. “Mind you, she wasn't as pretty as you.” He added, giving Drew a squeeze.

“And you chased off all those yobs?” said Drew, reappraising his father positively.

“There were only two or three.” Commented Dave, modestly.

“Against one, that's pretty brave to me.” Said Drew. He sat up and looked his father in the eye. “Would you do that for me?”

“For you lass, I'd fight the world.” Dave felt his throat constricting as he struggled with the words and a tear formed in his eyes.

“I love you daddy.” Said Drew, and hugged him again. Once more he rested his face against his father's chest. He felt safer than ever, as his father squeezed him gently in a protective embrace.

The cuddle lasted for some time, neither saying anything, but the little squeezes and strokes that each gave the other, said reams. At last Dave broke the silence, “You know, if you're going to be Gaby all the time, we'll need to organise a few things.” He held on to Drew, his hand absentmindedly stroking the boys back.

“I know.” Mumbled Drew, his face pressed against his father's chest, “Can we leave it for a bit?”

“What, the discussion or the organising?” asked his father, sensing some ambivalence.

“Both.” Said the boy and squeezed his father very tightly, converting his mental tension into physical.

“Sure,” replied his father, who felt even more confused now. Did the boy tell the truth to the police, was it a way of terminating the interview, was it an unconscious slip? Just as he was adjusting to having two daughters, was his son reasserting himself? Dave tried not to read between lines and thus follow his own agenda. What he had said was true, he would fight the world to protect either of his children. He simply wanted to come to terms with what was required of him and he began to wonder if Drew or Gaby, couldn't tell him because he or she, didn't actually know themselves.

If Dave followed Jenny's strategy, eventually a decision would be made by Drew, which the whole family would support. He had no problem with this, except it seemed unstructured and therefore likely to develop more problems. Dave was essentially a manager, set goals, risk assess, cost it and go for it. He didn't like the touchy feely bit because like most men, he wasn't very good at it.

He'd recently sacked someone at the mill. It was a woman in the office who had systematically stolen from the petty cash for months. She was only discovered after he set up an audit to discover why the money wasn't lasting as long as usual. She was duly caught and he and his boss had the task of disciplining her. Dave drew the short straw, and became the discharging officer. The woman admitted her theft, and after pleading extenuating circumstances, which Dave dismissed, he sacked her.

“Theft is against the law and the contract which you signed. You've claimed extenuating or mitigating circumstances, and had you come to us and explained you were in financial difficulties, the company might have been able to help, instead you helped yourself. I have no option but to enforce company policy, and terminate your employment.”

The response from the woman was at first, tears and when that didn't work, she became abusive and swore at them. Dave was initially torn by the emotional blackmail she used, then angered by the reaction when it didn't work. In fact at one point he nearly changed his mind about prosecution, but he controlled himself. He had persuaded his boss not to prosecute her and instead they would decline to offer a reference. It had taken some persuasion, but he'd managed it. The woman left after the interview, cleared her desk and left the building. Dave and his boss went for a quick drink at lunch to bolster their frayed nerves. He hated that side of management, wishing he'd stuck to digging up the past, but they needed the money so he went into the timber business.

“Tea anyone?” said Maddy, carrying the tray into the bedroom. “Oh Gabs, Harry phoned to see if you wanted to go for a ride. I told him, you'd call back.”

An hour or more later, Drew now washed and changed into riding kit, and makeup restored, did go for a ride with Harry. He needed to get rid of some of his tension and he did it through his bike. At one point he had to wait for ten minutes for Harry to catch him up, before he shot off again. Then he realised how much Harry was struggling with the pace and eased off. They did twenty miles in slightly over the hour, slow for Drew but Harry's best time. Although exhausted, he was delighted with his progress and forgave the wunderkind for being so preoccupied. Drew apologised, suggesting, “it was that time of the month.” Not wanting to enter that territory, Harry accepted the explanation for Drew's seeming indifference to him.

When they returned they learned that Jules had gone to visit John, who was now out of hospital. Drew who was now feeling much better for the exercise and fresh air, was about to make some crack about, “John being more at risk from a ‘man-eating' Jules, than he was from Meadows.” However, realising it would be inappropriate for a girl to say this of her sister, bit his tongue. He also recognised that John had possibly saved his sister's life and risked his own in doing so. Thus, any sort of joke towards John was not very funny. He felt somehow all that was now behind him, he'd grown up quite a lot since coming to Dorset, and being juvenile was somehow, now beneath him. It was a strange feeling and he needed to think about it, along with all the other things that were rattling round his brain, not least, what he was going to say to his parents.

He thanked Harry for the ride and pleading tiredness, due to ‘her you know what', pecked him on the cheek and went in and showered. As he stood in the shower, his breast forms became loose again and he examined the skin underneath. His nipples looked larger and the areolae seemed larger and darker too. Worse was to come, his breasts felt a little puffy and he was sure they had both grown. As he dried his nipples, they became erect and they really had grown. Now he felt really ambivalent, well actually he felt really good, or he did when he stroked his nipples. The down side was, what would he do when he went back to school? What about PE or games? Racing? Geez, if they grew anymore, they'd show through his racing skins! Then he thought he'd better show them to Maddy, and ask her advice. Then he remembered her trick with her nipples when he'd taken his boobs off. At the rate they seemed to have grown, he'd be able to do that too. The thought made him smile, touching them was, like, nice. Maddy touching them would be kinda, mega-nice! Then he felt very self conscious and blushing, wrapped himself in a towel and hurried to his room to don some clothes.

He dressed in his nightdress, somehow, Jenny had managed to wash and dry it for him in the same day. As he pulled the soft, cool silk over his body his nipples stood at attention again. They were clearly visible in the mirror, his mum would be sure to notice, so would Mad. He looked again, obviously, the nightie looked baggy in the front, his own breasts were small. However, they were there and when back to boy mode, they would show. If he ran, they would bounce up and down. Hell! He could even get jogger's nipple or something. What was he going to do?

He pulled a cardi around himself. He needed to dry his hair or it would stand up on end and he'd have to wash it again, he couldn't let anyone see him with all his hair standing on end, now could he? It was bad enough being seen without a little make up, he'd have to remember to take his little make up bag in his school bag from next term…..

He stopped in mid thought. “What the hell am I saying here?” He looked at himself in the mirror. “Geez, I'm supposed to be a boy, look at me. I'm worrying about my hair and what the Campagnolo am I worried about being seen without makeup? What is happening to me?”

As he was occupied with these thoughts, Maddy burst into the room. “Oh hi, I wondered who you were talking to. I was looking for mum, but she's obviously not here.” Maddy looked at him strangely for a moment. “Why are you wearing that cardigan?”

“I felt a bit chilly after my shower.” Said Drew defensively, his arms folding over his breasts.

“Did you? It's normally me who feels the cold. Want me to do your hair while I'm here?” Drew was going to say no, but he couldn't resist her offer. He really wanted to talk to her, ask her advice but, he felt so self-conscious. How could he tell her he was growing his own boobs? He'd feel a right tit – and a left one! It had to be the breast forms, pulling on his chest, causing the swelling or fat to collect or whatever, that had to be the reason. So as soon as he stopped wearing them his chest would go back to normal. A bit of exercise would solve the problem, pump a bit of iron and all that stuff.

Maddy rushed back in with her hair dryer and bag of assorted bits. She whooshed some mousse out of a tube and rubbed it into his hair. Then she combed it through. Then she began to separate out parts of his hair. Drew found this so relaxing, he carried on thinking his thoughts. He'd become so used to her messing with his hair that he paid no attention at all. She had put his hair in rollers, wondering why he hadn't objected, but he hadn't. She plugged in the hair dryer, and noticed he'd let the cardi slip open. Obviously his breast forms had come off again. She was just about to comment, when the lead from the dryer slithered across his chest. Maddy's eyes nearly popped out, his nipple was sticking out almost as far as hers did!

Pretending to dry different parts of his hair, she managed to provoke the other into erecting as well. She noticed him smile, and his hand unconsciously went to his chest and rubbed it. She made no mention of it to him, but inside, her emotions were whirling around like a demented dervish.

“Be best if you keep the rollers in overnight again, is that okay?” She asked putting a hair net over them.

“Yeah, whatever.” He replied, paying not one whit of attention to what she had said.

“I see your boobs fell off again.” She said, watching for a reaction.

“Yeah, in the shower.” He suddenly placed his hands on his chest, and blushing, came back to earth. “Oh yeah, they came off in the shower. I suppose it shows.”

Not for much longer, was what she felt like saying, but actually said, “ It does, want me to stick ‘em back?”

“Can we do it tomorrow? It feels kinda nice, not having them for five minutes. It'll let the air get to my skin a bit, too.”

“I know what you'll be doing all night!” she thought, as she remembered how she used to deliberately stimulate her own nipples, when she realised they were like pleasure buttons. “Yeah, course we can, probably a good idea.”

“What is?” asked Drew.

“Doing it tomorrow, instead of tonight.”

“Oh yeah, that's what I thought.” Said Drew absentmindedly.

“Gabs, are you pretending to be thick or are you having, like a Homer Simpson moment?”

“What?” he looked at her as if she had just spoken a foreign language.

“Shouldn't you say, “Doh!”, like he does?”

“What?” said Drew, seemingly on another planet.

“I think I shall ask mum if I can go into Dorchester tomorrow and get my nipples pierced, wanna do the same?” Said Maddy facetiously.

“Yeah, if you want.” Replied Drew, not listening.

“Don't take this personally, will you?” said Maddy, then slapped him across the cheek. He nearly fell off his seat.

Clutching at his reddening face, he looked at her and said, “What was that for?”

“You were not listening to what I was saying.” She said irritatedly, “I had to do something.”

“I was.” He pouted back.

“Okay, what did I say?”

“You were going into Dorchester tomorrow….”

“And?”

“You were going to get your nip…………” He suddenly registered what she had said. “You're not are you?” He was blushing like a stop light.

“Why, gonna get yours done?” she smiled at him.

“No way!” He suddenly became conscious that she was staring at his chest and his nipples had become erect through his nightdress. He hurriedly pulled the cardigan across and folded his arms again, on the defensive.

“Something you want to tell me?” she asked.

“You sound just like my mother.” He said dismissively.

“Well is there?”

“Maybe tomorrow, I need to get my head around a couple of things.” He felt embarrassed as he said it, not realising the unconscious pun. Maddy however, whose brain was working normally, did not and she began to snigger. Then the snigger became a giggle and she became unable to stop it. Tears ran down her cheeks and she almost collapsed on the bed, as the giggle-fit overwhelmed her. Drew felt angrier and angrier. What had he said? He went back over his last statement, and the penny dropped. Then he smiled, and it turned into a chortle and before he knew it, they were both nearly wetting themselves.

Angharad ap Gwilym 03.05.06 © 2006
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