“What's the matter?” asked Jenny.

“Probably nothing, but Maddy seemed to walk practically through me.”

“Maybe she didn't hear you.”

“Maybe,” allowed Carol, “but it would appear not only her hearing but also her eyesight is defective.”

“Go on,” said Jenny, “she's probably got her Walkman in and is listening to the music.”

“Hmmm,” sighed Carol and went back to organising the evening meal, for which Jenny was doing the vegetables.

“I hope you've had Drew, sharing in the cooking. We've always encouraged the kids to do some.”

“Yes Gaby has helped, either cooking or clearing up. In fact she seems more amenable to it than Maddy. When Maddy gets a place of her own or shares with someone, I hope they don't expect her to be domesticated, because she isn't.”

“I think you're being a bit hard on her. She's a dab hand with a needle and thread, some of the costumes she made or altered for Drew, look brilliant in the photos I've seen.”

“Yes she is good with her sewing…..Oh hello Gaby.” Carol greeted another visitor to the kitchen.

“Hi mum, Auntie Carol….that smells good, what is it?” replied the wunderkind, always ready to eat.

“Chicken in white wine sauce.”

“Yummy! Matt's gonna do the bike tomorrow. Any biscuits?” Drew said this as he scoped around the kitchen.

“Good, I'm glad about the bike. Drew, you do not need biscuits before your dinner.” His mother put her foot down.

“How long is it gonna be, then?”

“When it's cooked. Where's your father?”

“Doing something to the car, why?”

“I just wondered, and Jules?”

“She was talking to the neighbours. Where's Mad?”

“I think she went upstairs, didn't she Carol?” Carol agreed with her cousin, so Drew set off upstairs.

He knocked at the door of Maddy's room, then poked his head around the door. “Hi, we're having chick……” She was stood staring out the window, looking at the driveway where Dave was still playing with something under the bonnet and Jules was laughing and joking with the bloke from next door. He stood alongside her.

“Interesting is it?” he asked.

“What?”

“Dunno, the view I s'pose.”

“It's alright.” She paused then looked him in the eye, “Steve was the bloke who came into the shop, wasn't he?”

“Was he…..I…erm, I uh didn't catch his name.” Stuttered Drew, blushing like a beacon.

“Oh, I didn't catch his name,” repeated Maddy in a silly voice. “But you spent nearly half a bloody hour outside, talking with him.”

“He was showing me his bike.”

“Sure it wasn't his etchings.” Said Maddy sarcastically, but it went right over Drew's head.

“No, I didn't see any of them, just his bike.”

Sometimes innocence and naivety are enhancing, sometimes they are infuriating. In this case Maddy found them to be the latter. “Are you sure it was just his bike you looked at?”

“What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?” replied Drew.

“Be gentle with me Steve”. She said again in a silly little girl voice. “What the hell was all that about?”

“I don't know. It was some sort of silly dream, I can't remember. Alright! I can't flippin' remember.” His voice grew louder at the end of the sentence, the crescendo trying to disguise the lie. He remembered what it was about, but there was no way he was going to tell Maddy about it. Not for the moment, and probably not for some time, if ever. He needed to think this through, and its implications.

Maddy who could usually read him quicker than anyone, had a feeling he was lying to her. It annoyed her, but for the moment she needed to think about it herself. Had she encouraged him to think he was a girl, or was he gay? She had egged him on with Harry, because it was fun and it would have been a one off experience for him, to be like a proper girl. In doing so, had she inadvertently created a Frankenstein's monster, or more correctly, the Bride of Frankenstein?

“So you going to see him again?” she asked .

“Who?” answered Drew.

“Steve, that's who.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to know.”

“No, not that why, but why would I want to see him?”

“Why do girls usually see boys?”

“We talked about his bike and his race win, that was all. I do not expect to see him again, okay!” As Drew said this, his mobile rang, it was a text message. He read it, and then Maddy grabbed it.

Left the DVD @ Matts

It was nice 2CU, wd B

nice 2 do it agen.Gi me

a call. Luv Steve XXX.

“Gaby Bond, you two timing cow, how could you?” She said then dissolved into tears.

“But…it wasn't like that….honest.”

“Go away, …just go away, I never want to see you again.” With this Maddy bundled him out of the room and slammed the door shut behind him.

“Mad, please…….let me explain.” He tried to push open the door, but it was blocked, probably by Maddy pushing against him. A muffled, “Go away.” Was the only response.

Now his day was complete! He ran into his room and began to tear off his clothes throwing them angrily on the bed. He felt like destroying them, but it wasn't the fault of his clothes that Maddy had got the wrong end of the stick. “This being a girl thing was more difficult than he thought, or it was in interacting with other girls. Manipulating boys was relatively easy. What was he thinking?”

“I am not a bloody girl!” He said through gritted teeth. “Oh shit, look at me! I have mascara half way down my face, damn, I've got some on my bra strap, and it's my best one. Oh that's just fine and dandy, I'll bet it doesn't wash out either.”

He looked at the image in the mirror. It was of a pretty girl with mascara streaked down her face. “I'm not a girl, but am I still a boy? That's the question, and I think I might have forgotten the answer.”

He was still standing staring at the image in the mirror, when Jenny walked in. He jumped and grabbed a towel, holding it in front of him, hiding his breasts and genitals. “I'm sorry kiddo, I didn't expect you to be undressed. Have you been crying?”

“Oh mum, look at me.” Tears welled up his eyes again.

“Oh sweetheart.” She hugged him, “What's the matter?”

“I don't know who I am, anymore.” He sobbed on her shoulder.

“It's okay kiddo,” she purred, cuddling him and gently massaging his neck. “ Who do you want to be?”

“I thought it was just me, Drew.” He sobbed quietly.

“That sounds as if you aren't sure.” She cooed gently.

“I'm not.”

“Who else can you be?”

“Gaby, I s'pose.”

“Which do you prefer?”

“I don't know.”

“So why can't you be both, depending upon how you feel.”

“I don't know if I can.”

“You know we all love you whatever or who ever you are. It doesn't matter to us if you want to be a boy or a girl, or both. There's no must or should about it. It's what you want that matters, and there's no rush to make a choice. You can just think about it for as long as you like, or we can arrange for you to see someone who helps people decide in matters like this.”

She continued to cuddle him, his sobbing began to stop. “What do you think I should do?” he said anxiously.

“I think you need to decide that for yourself. Whatever you decide, I'll accept and help you all I can. And I'll still love you.”

“I love you to mummy.” He whispered back.

Jenny thought, “My God, he hasn't called me mummy for years.” She said, “I love you too sweetheart.” It was difficult to speak with a lump in her throat, and she felt a tear escape her eye. She looked down at him, he was drifting off to sleep, sucking his thumb. He looked very vulnerable and very small, he also looked like a girl.

She sat holding him for some minutes, berating herself for not being there for him, yet knowing too, how important her cycling was to her. Was she just a selfish woman, deserting her family for her own needs? She didn't know. They had all discussed it, Dave had encouraged her to go, Juliette had been reluctant in her agreement and Drew, poor Drew, hadn't wanted her to go. Then Dave and she had persuaded him to agree. Was that being selfish? It was. She felt a degree of discomfort which had always been there, but which she usually managed to ignore. The truth was, she loved her kids and she missed them. However, it was too late, she was committed to meeting her contractual terms or face a financial penalty. They couldn't afford to buy her out, so she'd have to continue. If only she could manage a year as the woman's number one, she'd be able to retire and have quite a nest egg too. It would pay for the kids to go to uni and perhaps a new car for Dave, long suffering Dave. She loved him so much.

In the depth of her brown study, Jules burst into the room. “Have you seen…? Oh sorry.” She looked at her mother, sitting on the bed holding her half naked brother as he slept in her arms. She saw tears in her mother's eyes. “Is everything okay?” she whispered. Jenny nodded back, and Jules beat a hasty retreat.

“Can I wash my hands, Carol?” said Dave, “that bloody wire came loose again, it's a real pig to screw back, my hands are just that little bit too big.”

“Couldn't Jules have done it for you?” replied Carol, making room at the sink.

“You must be joking.” He then began to speak in a silly voice, “Put my hand in there, urgh, it's all oily and I might break a nail!”

Carol sniggered as she visualised Juliette actually saying it, and the same would probably be the same for Maddy. “What about Gaby?”

“Well Drew would probably have given me a hand, but Gaby……..I don't know.” Said Dave looking at his feet.

“Drew is still in there you know.” Carol put her hand on his shoulder.

“Is he, I can't bloody see him?”

“Just give him time, something will work out.”

“Yeah, if you say so.” Dave said this, looking anywhere but in Carol's eyes, and after washing his hands, he walked back out to the car and fiddled some more, this time in the boot of the car.

“Hi dad.” Said Jules wrapping her hands around his waist from behind. He jumped, and she laughed, “Got you at last!” she giggled.

“Hello poppet.” He replied, and continued fiddling.

“What ya doin'?” she asked him.

“Just pottering, waiting for dinner, why?”

“You sound sad.” She said, picking up on his tone.

“Do I?” he paused, then added, “Yeah, maybe I am.”

“What's making you sad?” She hugged him tight from behind, her face leaning into his back.

“Oh lots of things chuck, I'm just tired. Yeah, it's probably just tiredness. I'll be alright after a good night's sleep.”

“Oh dad. I love you.”

“I know kiddo, I know. I love you too.” He turned to face her and they embraced, as Maddy watched unseen, from the bedroom window, a tear dripping from her cheek.

Drew, was now fast asleep on his mother's lap. She had manoeuvred into a more comfortable position, and was sat leaning against the bed head. She had wrapped the towel around him, so it covered as much of him as possible. This was done as much out of keeping him warm, as modesty. She continued to rub his neck gently as she daydreamed about how things might have been.

“If I'd stayed at home and kept teaching, apart from being bored out of my brain by mindless brats, would this Gaby thing, have gone so far? Is the cross dressing something to do with over-identification with me?” She looked down at her sleeping child. “He's such a pretty kid, he always was. Is it a tragedy or is it a good thing, that he looks so girlish? Even his body shape is feminine, no wonder the boys all fancy Gaby. How is he going to cope with that, if he was to keep a part of his life as her?”

She recalled Gaby's first appearance, the tandem race at New Year. “It was my idea that he dress as a girl. It was me who ‘gave' him her name. Is all of this my fault? I guess it is. What does that make me, as a mother? Pretty, bloody awful. Thank God for Dave, without him, we'd all be in the shite.

She fondly remembered some good times with Dave, a tear filled her eye and a warm feeling, her heart. “You're a good man, Dave Bond,” she said quietly and smiled to herself.

Drew, curled up on his mother's lap, protected and warm, he slept like a kitten. During his sleep, he began to dream……

”Do you want to see my etchings?” asked Steve

“What for?” replied Gaby, “ are they of bikes?”

“No,” said Steve winking, “my etchings, do you wanna come and see ‘em? Ya know, like up in my room?”

“Can't you just bring ‘em down here for me to see?” replied the naïve wunderkind.

“They aren't real, are they?” Steve said rhetorically.

“How can I see them then?” Said Gaby, shaking her head.

“Gosh girl, are you green, or are you green?”

“No, I feel okay. Why, do I look ill?”

“Oh man. Okay, I'll spell it out. Do you want to come up to my room and talk about the birds and the bees, with a potential for some practical afterwards?”

Gaby repeated the sentence, twice. On the third time through her brain, the penny dropped. “You're just trying to get me up to your room, aren't you?”

“Jeez Gaby, you've seen right through me!” The ironic tone being completely lost on our hero.

“Have you really got some birds and bees up there…..?”

“Oh man!......”

“Steve, you haven't answered my question…” said Drew in a sleepy voice from his mother's lap.

“Hey sweetie, you're talking in your sleep.” Jenny, squeezed him and he began to wake up.

“Wha…..” He yawned and opened his eyes, “Love you,” he said sleepily to his mother.

“I love you too, sweetie. You were talking in your sleep.”

“I was what?” he said less sleepily, trying to sit up.

“You were talking in your sleep. Who is Steve?”

“Why, what did I say?” He was rubbing sticky eye makeup from his eyes, and yawning.

“Something about him not answering the question.”

“Dunno.” He yawned, “can't remember.”

“You seemed to be smiling a lot before. Do you like this Steve?”

“What d'you mean? I only met him this morning at the bike shop. He won the Wessex Challenge, so he told me, showed me his bike, an S-works Tarmac. ”

“Nice bike,” commented Jenny, trying to think who she knew who had one.

“Yeah, of course I couldn't get a ride on it, it was too big and I had a skirt on.” Said Drew, wistfully.

“So do you like him and has Harry met him?”

“I don't know.” This was said almost indignantly.

“I just wondered. So do you like him?”

“Which Harry or Steve?”

“Lets stick with Steve. Do you like him?”

“What d'ya mean?” Pennies were beginning to fall, and Drew wasn't sure he like where this was going.

“Do you, for instance fancy him?”

“What like, like fancy him, like?” choked Drew.

“Yes Gabs, you know, like boy and girl stuff.”

“How do I know, I keep telling you I'm not a girl. Besides, he's older than me.”

Jenny picked up some ambiguity in the sentence and wondered. Nothing much was becoming very clear, except how muddled everything was, including her own thoughts. Unless things changed suddenly, this was going to be a long haul, perhaps a very long haul!

“Dinner's ready,” was called from downstairs.

“C'mon kiddo, tidy yourself up, and wash your face.” Jenny, pushed Drew off the bed and stood up. “I'll see you downstairs.” With that she left him to dress and organise himself.

He washed his face and threw on a tee shirt and shorts, a few minutes later he was downstairs. “Where's Maddy?” he asked.

“I'll go and get her,” volunteered Juliette. Drew looked at her with a mixture of emotions. It should have been his job to get her, however, given their misunderstanding earlier, perhaps it was better if he didn't. He watched his sister disappear up the stairs.

The others, except Carol who was serving, were at their places when Jules came back down. “She said, ‘She's not hungry.' I told her to hurry or Drew and dad would eat the lot, but she doesn't care.”

“You lot go on, I'll go and speak with her.” Carol said looking midway between embarrassed and concerned.

“I'll pop hers in the oven,” said Jenny, nipping out to the kitchen.

“What's with Maddy?” asked Dave.

“I don't know.” Said Jenny shrugging her shoulders.

“Don't look at me.” Asserted Jules, “it's nothing to do with me.”

Drew felt the focus shift to him. He played with a piece of chicken, before spearing it on a fork. “I think she's on.” He said then shoved the meat into his mouth before anyone could ask him anything else. He tried to act casually, but his guilty feelings caused him to blush.

To avoid this he rose from the table, “I want some water, anyone else need any?” Reaching the kitchen, he gave a big sigh, unaware he'd been followed by his sister.

“What was close?” she said quietly to him.

He jumped, and spun around. “What?” he said, trying to act as if he hadn't heard her.

“You heard me sis, what was close?” She stood close to him, crowding him against the sink unit. “Spill the beans.”

“I'll tell you later.” He said feeling very intimidated. Jules was a little taller than him, and slightly heavier, but being a big sister means being able to take the initiative and she had.

“Better had.” She hissed. “I'll have a glass and so will dad.” She added more audibly.

“Okay, I'll bring ‘em through.” He piped back, knowing full well his parents would suspect something was going on between the siblings. He looked too casual when he came out a moment or two later with the tumblers of water.

Drew finished his meal more from practice than enthusiasm. If asked what he'd just eaten, he might not even have remembered, such was his state. Carol eventually came back down without Maddy.

“Is she okay?” asked Jenny, while Drew looked on anxiously and Jules watched Drew.

“She's okay, she's on and feels a bit bloated. She'll have something later on.”

“Poor lamb,” said Jenny being all too aware of how uncomfortable a period can be. “Sit down Carol, I'll bring yours in.” She went out to the kitchen.

“Is she alright?” asked Drew, feeling the room getting hotter, imagining Carol was going to say, ” No thanks to you.”

“Course she is, she'll be better in a little while, she just isn't very hungry.” Carol's tone reassured Drew a little. He still felt guilty and he desperately wanted to talk to her, to explain, if only she would let him. Now he had the added problem of a nosy big sister. Why were girls such hard work? Boys were so easy, smile at them and they'd practically roll over and die for you. But other girls……” Oh bugger,” he thought to himself, “there I go again, counting myself as a girl. I'm not a girl.” Then looking across at Jules, who seemed to be licking her lips, like a snake waiting to strike at her prey, he thought, “Hey, that's my top she's wearing, I hope she doesn't get jam on it, I was going to wear that tomorrow.”

In the midst of this tension, the phone rang. “I'll get that,” said Jules, “it might be Steve for Gaby.” She dropped as she left the room.

“Who's Steve?” asked Dave as Drew winced and blushed like a dashboard light.

“Gabs, it's for you.” Called Jules from the hallway.

“Who is it?” he asked as she dropped the receiver in his hands. He repeated the question, but she ignored him and sashayed back into the dining room.

“H….hel….hello?” he said hesitantly down the phone.

“Hi Gaby, it's Harry……..”

Back in the dining room, Jenny asked who it was. “Another of her boyfriends.” Dave who was sipping his water nearly choked. When he stopped coughing he asked who it was. “It's that Harry kid, the one with shares in Interflora .”

Jenny laughed at this, she had seen the place full of flowers. “What?” asked Dave, who was new to the concept of another boy sending his son flowers. Jenny then explained gently to him.

“…alright, I'll ask them, but I can't guarantee anything.” Drew put the phone down on the small table in the hall. He walked into the dining room. “It's Harry, his parents have invited us over for drinks at eight. What shall I tell him?”

A quick embarrassed discussion ensued, with Dave not wanting to go, but Jenny supported by Jules, pressured him into agreeing. “We don't have to stay long,” being the outcome.

“Well?” asked Drew.

“Yes, we'll come. What about Maddy?” asked Jenny.

“I'll check on her in a few minutes, might do her good.” Answered Carol, thinking of a couple of glasses of wine would go down really well.

Angharad ap Gwilym 05.02.06 © 2006
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