"Mfanwy Morgan come here at once!"

What have I done wrong now?

"Right now young lady" Cherys emphasised

With a sigh I closed my book, picked up my cardigan and walked back up to the house. My stepmother stood at the back door tapping her foot.

"Mfanwy, how many times do I have to tell you to put your things away? Now sort out your room before your Da gets home"

"Yes Cherys" I trudged inside

"Oh and Mfanwy"

"Yes?"

"Make sure to change into something nice before tea" my tormentor told me, "your Gran is coming"

"Yes Cherys" I allowed climbing the steep stairs up to my room.

I shouldn't complain really, it's not Cherys' fault she and Dad don't have any children of their own. She didn't ask for the cancer or the treatment that saved her life, but a hysterectomy is pretty final when you want kids. I usually live with my Mum miles away in England, Dad and sometimes Cherys, come over about once a month to take me out. A stay like this in the Valleys is pretty unusual in our unusual little family.

Dad ran out on Mum when I was born, he didn't even stop to name me! The only thing apart from his genes I had was his surname, Morgan. Mum left Wales to start afresh so I was nearly ten before I met him and his new wife and he was making noises about me living with him. That was when he thought he had a son, a potential scrum half for Wales, you see Dad is a rugby fanatic.

We didn't exactly hit it off that first time but I guess that was partly Mums fault trying to poison me against him. It worked and I can't say that our relationship has improved any in the last three years either. I suppose we are like many families in a similar situation. Dad wants to do the right thing by me, but instead he ends up just buying me stuff I don't really want or need. Cherys means well but I'm always an intruder, an outsider and I suppose I sort of rub her nose in her lack of motherhood. Gran Morgan is the only one who treats me with any sense. The rest of my extended family just see me as my mothers child, a rare visitor with a funny accent, (well it's not Welsh!).

Oh the reason for this ten-day stay in Wales? My Uncle Gudrun is visiting from New Zealand and Dad wanted him to meet his niece.

"Mfanwy! Your mother's on the phone!" Cherys called up to me

I made my way downstairs to speak to my primary parent.

"...sure, sure," Cherys replied to something my mother said then spotting me went on, "she's here now Sylvia, I'll just put her on."

"Hi Mum" I greeted her

"Hi kiddo, how's it going?" Mum asked

"Okay I guess, Granny Morgan is coming for tea and Cherys is taking me down to Cardiff tomorrow" I informed her

"Don't sound so happy" she chided

"Well you're not going shopping for a dress" I told her

She struggled to keep her laugh down.

"Ooh lucky you. What for?" she eventually asked

"Dad has organised some sort of family party on Saturday night and Cherys has deemed nothing I've brought to be suitable"

"Well remember what I told you"

"Yes Mum"

"Oh I nearly forgot, your little gang were asking after you" Mum advised

I was missing the guys already and I only got here yesterday, Wednesday.

"I'll ring tomorrow about this time ok?"

"Yes Mum!"

"Bye then"

"Bye Mum" I hung the phone up.

"Everything okay Mfanwy?" Cherys asked

"Fine thanks. I'd best go and change."

"Your Gran will be here in twenty minutes" she called to my departing back.

"Okay"

I cursed my mother as I tried to find something suitable to wear. Much as I love her it is all her fault! Well I guess that's a bit unfair. I found my knee length denim skirt that soon replaced my cargo pants. A skirt means tights (pantyhose) round here so I found a pair of black fifteen d's, Mum had given me a leg wax before I left so my legs were still smooth. One advantage of Mum having a beauty salon I suppose. It being early summer I could get away with a cap sleeved T on top; I picked the pink one and donned it over my training bra.

I brushed out my collar length black hair and used a couple of grips to hold it back off my face. I heard the doorbell go as I touched up my lipstick, Gran was here. I slipped my trainers on and made my way down to the front parlour.

"Hi Gran" I greeted her

"And how's my favourite granddaughter today?"

"Fine thanks Gran"

"And looking as pretty as ever"

I blushed

"Can you give me a hand Mfanwy?" Cherys called from the kitchen

"Coming"

When I returned a few minutes later Dad was home

"And how's my girl?" he asked

"Okay. Cherys said for you to pour the tea please Gran"

"You're not wearing those" Cherys stated, "go put a skirt on"

I hate skirts. I hate dresses. Today was going to be hell! Shopping for a dress in a skirt! At least when Dad comes to our place I can usually get away with trousers but here on Morgan home turf there was no escape. I'm a girl and girls wear skirts and dresses, I don't think Cherys even owns a pair of trousers!

I sat daydreaming as Cherys kept up a meaningless diatribe as we drove the fifty miles down to Cardiff. If only the guys could see me now! Well I'm glad they can't, they don't even know I'm in Wales. Mum's telling everyone that I've got some sort of virus, it would just be too much if they found out what I'm doing.

My mates are really good, a guy couldn't ask for better. I don't mention much about Dad's visits and they don't ask for details, they know I do the offspring thing under duress and that's all they need to know. How did it come to this? I mused as the scenery flashed by.

"No Rhod you cannot come this weekend" Mum was clearly upset, "okay then, next Sunday, we'll meet you there"

She hung up the phone.

"Who was that Mum? where are we going next week?" I was ten and always asking questions.

"Your Dad" she stated

"Dad?" I queried. Mum never mentioned my father and although all my friends had one it never bothered me that I didn't.

"Yes your Dad. Come and sit here with me" I followed her instruction

"Okay Rhod, next week we're going to meet with your Dad"

"Is he called Rhod?"

"Yes his name is Rhod, you were named after him. You remember I told you that he went away when you were born?"

"Uh huh" I nodded

"Well he went back to live at your Grandma Morgan's and we came to Warsop. He never tried to find us and I was happy about that. I had you and after your other Gran died I bought the shop and we're happy aren't we?" she asked

I just nodded.

"A few weeks ago I got a letter from your Gran, your Dad has got married to a lady called Cherys"

"That's a funny name" I offered

"It's Welsh like Rhodrii is. Anyway Gran had told Cherys about us and she thought your Dad should get back into our, well your life"

"That's good isn't it Mum?"

"I suppose so"

Cherys led me into yet another dress shop.

"Come on girl, you shop like your Dad" she stated as I lagged behind

"That one in Debenhams was okay" I whined. Well as all right as a dress goes!

"It was a bit frumpy Mfanwy, they have a better range in here"

"If you say so"

"I do. Now come along, we'll get something to eat afterwards" she offered

Food I can deal with, especially one of Mrs P's veggie burgers, hmmm.

So I was put through the mill of party dresses. Try this, no that's too short, it'd be better in blue, with your colouring, I'm not paying that, and well you get the drift. Shopping with Cherys is a living nightmare. I must have tried twenty dresses on, some more than once, before she decided on one for me. I know what I like on other people and this would be great - on someone else. It was too thin, too revealing, too expensive, too Kylie!, in fact far too girlie! And after lunch we were getting the accessories. Oh joy!

I'll get you for this Mum! Mind you, thinking back I didn't exactly run screaming from the house when Mum broke the plan to me.

"Rhod come sit" my Mum instructed.

"You want us to be happy?" she asked my impressionable ten year old self

"'Course I do mummy"

"Well your Dad mentioned to your Nanna that he was going to ask you to live with him"

"I want to stay with you" I told her with great conviction

"That's what I told your Gran. Do you trust me?" she asked

"Yes Mum"

"If I asked you to do something so you can stay with me, whatever it is will you do it?"

"Of course Mum, anything!" I replied emphatically

"Ooh those shoes are cute" Cherys exclaimed as I modelled yet another pair of shoes.

"You don't think they're a bit high?" I asked. The heel was a full three inches and I felt like I was standing on just my toes.

"They're fine Mfanwy, walk up and down"

In truth they weren't so bad once I got my balance.

"How's that?" Cherys asked

"Okay I guess"

"I'll take that as a yes then." Over the last three years, Cherys has tuned into my moody behaviour and come up with her own responses to my usual lack of enthusiasm.

"Now for you need a bag and some underwear"

"I've got that set you sent for my birthday" I hurriedly told her. A trip to the lingerie store was not on my agenda!

"I suppose they'll do, but you need a bag"

"If you say so" I offered

"I do, now come on girl"

An hour later I was the 'proud' owner of a beaded clutch bag that matched my new shoes and so went with the new frock. Thankfully we could go back 'home' now. Cherys was soon having a one way conversation again as we started the return journey, I returned to my musing.

"You did say" Mum reminded me

"But a dress Mum?"

"I know it's a bit strange Rhod but it was your Gran's idea. Your Dad has never seen you, your Gran never told him as much as your name, I asked her not to"

"Why?" I half whined

"Well if he was interested he could ask couldn't he?"

"I guess"

"Well he never did. And now he has some notion that you'll go and live in Wales with him and Cherys. Your Gran said that knowing how he thinks, if he finds out he has a daughter he'll not ask you to go - some macho thing"

"What's macho?"

"Never mind, will you wear the dress for me. Just for one day."

"I guess" I reluctantly agreed

So the first time I met my Dad I was wearing a denim pinafore, short frilly socks and girls sandals. My hair was in bunches tied with ribbon and Mum had even put some lipstick on me.

Dad's face was a picture when he spotted us.

"Hello Rhod" Mum stiffly greeted him

"Hi Sylv. And this must be Mfanwy. Hello there, I'm your Dad"

Mfanwy was the name Gran and Mum had agreed on for me, it was my Grandma Jones name, I thought it sounded pretty odd but Mum liked it. Gran had obviously finally told Dad something about me, even if it wasn't really me!

"Hello" I nervously answered

We had met at the 'American Adventure', a Wild West theme park not too far from home.

"Come on then, lets go in kiddo" Dad took my hand with it's pink painted nails and with Mum following on behind we went into the park. By the time he left to go back to Wales he was convinced he had a shy ten-year-old daughter called Mfanwy.

"Shake a leg Mfanwy, we have to go in a minute" Dad called up the stairs

"Coming"

I decided not to try the stairs in my new heels and gingerly made my way down in my stocking feet. I'm not a beautiful girl - no one could lay that at my door, but I look well enough and tonight I looked better than usual.

"Ah there you. You look just like your Mum" Dad stated

"Leave her be Rhod, the poor girls embarrassed" Cherys rescued me

"Well come on then my girls" Dad chivvied

The party was at the old Miners Welfare, now re-christened 'The Community Hall' so we had a taxi to take us down the village. Even now after three years, I feel a bit uncomfortable particularly at this sort of thing. Gran was already there and was holding court with the other women of the Morgan clan.

"Mfanwy, come and sit with your Gran"

I joined the other ladies and room was made for me next to Gran

"My, don't you look lovely tonight? Doesn't she look lovely?" she asked of her congregation

"Lovely"

"Quite the young woman"

"She has her fathers eyes"

Cherys arrived with a coke for me, a white wine for herself and joined the group. Meanwhile Dad, Uncle Gudrun and the other male members of the family were at the bar and pool table. Here in the Valleys tradition was tradition. I sat and kept quiet as the women gossiped but it was a party and I couldn't hide all night. The cheesy DJ eventually got a few people dancing and I found myself sort of dancing with Gran before Dad spotted me. Then I had to dance with not just Dad but Uncle Gudrun and various other family members before I escaped to the ladies.

I suppose it wasn't too bad as these things go, I even managed to sneak some alcohol thanks to Gran who was keeping an eye on me. We've never said anything, but she knows that I know that she knows and that's good enough for now.

That first meeting set the pattern. Every few weeks Mum would dress me up as a girl and Mfanwy would spend a day with 'her' dad. He never did suggest I go to stay. I didn't even tell anyone that I was seeing my Dad for nearly a year. I have to say that although I sort of started to get on with my Da, I resented him at the same time. I know that's a bit deep but I have never got used to dressing up and being Mfanwy, and Dad got the rough end of that although it was Mums idea.

Mum took me to Wales a couple of times to meet Gran and Cherys and last year I visited on my own for the first time. The possibilities for discovery, were and still are ever present but fortunately I get my own room in Dad's little terrace house and Cherys makes sure I get the privacy a girl needs.

Mfanwy's wardrobe has grown, birthdays, Christmas, well any excuse really, Dad and Cherys send me dresses, jewellery, all sorts of stuff for the girl they think I am. And of course Gran can hardly give me boy stuff when Dad's gonna see it, she usually sends me some money which is non-gender specific, that's what Mum says.

It was a bit ironic for me when Maddy and the girls came up with that dressing up thing for the Easter dance. It was really weird not being Mfanwy but wearing girl's stuff. I was more surprised that Drew went for it. Having read this you know why I was reasonably okay with it, its not as though it was taboo for me was it?

I've been getting more nervous as the week has gone on. I'm glad Mum's picking me up tomorrow, I don't think I could keep this up much longer. The longest I've been Mfanwy before was just three days over the New Year, this time I've had to be Mfanwy for ten days, well nine so far. I'm glad Mum taught me how to do my hair and stuff, otherwise I'm sure Cherys would have worked it out.

"Mfanwy!"

What now?

Authors note: for all of you non Welsh out there, Mfanwy is pronounced mer-fan-we, Rhod is rod, Rhodrii is rod-re, Gudrun is good-run and Cherys is pronounced keh-riss.

Maddy Bell 20.11.03 © 2003

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